Deserts

Lately I’ve been feeling….dry.

And by “lately” I mean for like the last 6 months. And by “dry” I mean a little dead on the inside. Spiritually.

I have heard about spiritual desert seasons people go through. When they feel distant from God.

And I’ve seen the cheesy church signs that say things like:
“Feeling distant from God?
Who moved – you or Him?”

Thanks for that extra guilt and shame, church sign. In a time when I already feel lost and confused.

The fact of the matter is, I have been marching steadily toward the purpose and the mission to which God has called me. Not away from it or Him. So why do I feel so….blah?

At the beginning, when I started, when I was writing my book and right after I finished, when I started to tell people about it, and started telling my story, every day was exciting and new!! Filled with limitless potential! Every day was fulfilling. I had so much to get out and I watched people’s lives change right in front of me.

But now, I struggle with the feeling that maybe I’ve given all I had to give? Maybe now I’m all used up and empty. Dried out. Do I have anything left to offer people?

I feel guilty for not reading as much lately as I should be. I know my growth is directly related to how much I’m reading. But the hunger I had the Summer before I wrote my book – the Summer I devoured sixteen other books on marriage, divorce and remarriage in four months – has waned….no, disappeared. And I don’t know why.

I don’t even know what I would want to learn about next.
And I don’t want to only keep reading and studying marriage and relationships, I want to be able to offer more than that. Plus, I feel like I’ve said everything I have to say about that, in my book.

…..Which still isn’t published.

And that is what makes me feel the most drained and dry.

I’ve passed all three goals and deadlines I gave myself to get it out. I thought surely I’d be passing it on the shelf at Barnes & Noble by now. But I’m stiiiilllll editing. Which is not exciting, or new, or life-giving. It sucks every ounce of energy and enthusiasm I have for my book right out of me.

It took me 3 months to write my book, and I’ve been editing for 9. And I’m not even done with the first round.

And after I get finished with that, I’ve got to learn everything there is to learn about self-publishing. To make sure I do it right and make the best choices.

I assumed writing a book was the hardest part about writing a book. And I assumed someone else would be taking care of all this other stuff. I just want it out, and in people’s hands, so I can be moving on. Progressing to the next step in this journey, in my ministry.

But it’s not. And I’m not. I’m stuck.

I used to hear and see God leading me and moving other people and things into place. But now I feel like He’s being silent, and I don’t know why.

Recently, I heard about the “500 years of silence” the Israelites experienced between the time the Messiah was prophesied to them and the birth of Jesus. 500 years. He didn’t speak another word to them directly, or through his prophets at all.

500…five-HUNDRED…Years.

Entire generations died, just waiting.

This is the stretch of time between where the Old Testament ends and the New Testament begins. (Random fun fact: Alexander the Great lived in that 500 year time span, which is why, he is a real person but not recorded in the Bible.)

Were these years of silence their own fault? Disobedience?

Or, was there a greater purpose to it?

Did God just stop caring about them?

Did God stop caring about me? Did I do something wrong?

I wrote this in December 2015, but hadn’t published it yet because I didn’t have answers to these questions – I didn’t even know what all questions to ask – and it was scary and confusing. I have answers now. Lots of them. Not all of them, but lots of them.

And I’ll be sharing them with you soon.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, have you ever felt like you were in a dry season? Are you in one now? How long did it last?

You Make Me Brave

brave

Jonathan Robert Willis *Photographer snapped this shot at the ‪#‎Unpolished2015‬ conference the moment he was asking me about my book, and i was telling him and his team about how i’m in the editing process now and how editing is WAY harder and more work than writing the book ever was! and then we laughed about it.

what i love is that this expression captures so much of what 2015 was for me – that’s an overwhelmed laugh. it’s laughter lined with a layer of uncertainty because i actually had no idea what i was doing. being an author, publishing, speaking publicly…. i know it’s what I’m being called to, but it’s all new territory for me.

so 2015 was a year of DOing, MOVING forward, of OBEYing, and figuring it out as i went – even when I felt completely unqualified.

When my picture played in the slideshow during worship at the end of the conference, it was timed perfectly with these lyrics, “you make me brave. you make me brave”.
i think it was a sweet reminder from my Father that I don’t have to have it all figured out, or feel completely certain or confident, He will give me EVERYTHING I need, including bravery, for this task He has called me.

Hosanna in the Highest

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time over the last month thinking about the upcoming holiday. Easter Sunday. Resurrection Day. I wanted to spend time really meditating on it, about the significance of it, and not just let it pass me by like any other Sunday, any other weekend, any other holiday.

Mostly, I’ve been thinking about the week leading up to that day – this week– what some people call Holy Week, and others have aptly named Passion Week.

I’ve been trying to imagine what would have been going through Jesus’ mind each day leading up to his betrayal, trial, and execution.

Today, the first day of Passion Week, is called Palm Sunday.

Let’s set the scene:

Sunday, April 2^nd, AD 30
Only six days before crowds cried for his blood, “Crucify him!” those same people cried, “Hosanna!” (which is the Jewish plea for deliverance; in Hebrew it’s literally translated, “Please save”) “Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!” They shouted. They waved palm branches (hence the name Palm Sunday) and sang praises as Jesus triumphantly rode into Jerusalem for the week-long Passover festival.

For hundreds of years, Jews everywhere had longed for the coming of a Messiah. When that moment arrived, Rome would be defeated and their lives would be free of taxation and want. No longer would soldiers of Rome be able to corral Jews like cattle, then stab and beat them…. For these people, this hope is like a lifeline, giving them courage in the face of Rome’s unrelenting cruelty.[1]

By this time, word had spread through the whole region about Jesus’ ministry; the miracles He had performed and the powerful parables he taught. Many believed He was this Messiah. This King who would overthrow the government and set them free.

There was one group of Jews however, the religious leaders, The Pharisees, who were not celebrating Jesus’ arrival into town, but plotting how to arrest and eliminate him before he could incite a rebellion and topple their power.

Jesus knew ALL of this.

He knew the Pharisees were conspiring against Him.

He knew the same people praising Him would betray Him in just a few days.

He knew He would be beaten and mocked and murdered.

Yet His love for us was so great, He went through every hour of every day of that week anyway.

My devotion today beautifully describes this day:

“Have you ever found yourself traveling down the road on your way to something you know will be a significant moment in your life? Perhaps you were on your way to your first day of college or to interview for your dream job. Or maybe you were driving to your wedding or speeding to the hospital for the birth of your child. Undoubtedly, this ride is different from your usual trip to the grocery store! Your heart is racing as your mind plays out every possible scenario.

Imagine how Jesus must’ve felt as He traveled down the road to enter Jerusalem, knowing that this road would ultimately end in his death. Jesus knew that he’d be betrayed, imprisoned, tortured and killed, but he also knew that ‘the hour has come so that the Son of Man should be glorified’ (John 12:23). You see, Jesus was on a mission to tear down the great divide between God and man, render sin powerless, to defeat death, and to set us free. Nothing was going to stop him from fulfilling his mission to rescue mankind.”[2]

Hebrews 12:2 says, “for the joy that was set before Him [He] endured the cross.”

You and I, we are that joy. Being in an unhindered relationship with us is what Jesus was focused on when He was going through all of this. Yes, He loves us that much.

The word Hosanna has sort of been redefined after this moment in time as an expression of adoration, praise, or joy. Today, as I reflect on what Jesus willingly went through on this day for me I find myself in tears as I sing along to this song on repeat: “Hosanna”, Hillsong.

hosanna

[1] Excerpt from “Killing Jesus”, Bill O’Reilley and Martin Dugard

[2] “’It Is Finished’ Was Just the Beginning” devotional, Calvary Chapel Ft Lauderdale www.calvaryftl.org/itisfinished

The Believer’s Freedom

I remember the first time I had a revelation about this verse it set me FREE:
“Everything is permissible–but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible–but not everything is constructive.” – I Corinthians 10:23

What Paul is saying is you can do anything you want, but not everything is going to make you happy, or satisfied, or peaceful, or prosperous.

Especially with where I was in my life at that point, I needed to know I wasn’t being told “what not to do”, that I could make my own decisions and God would still love me and forgive me. What I needed at that time in my life was not more rules and religion, or guilt and condemnation, but, love, and grace and freedom. And in that verse I found it.

Eventually I just realized that I was a lot happier doing the things that would make me closer to Him anyway. Being more like Him.

And so there it is, right under the most appropriate heading the Bible ever published: “The Believer’s Freedom”.

I had a discussion about this tonight with a friend, and thought someone else might need that revelation as well.

[January 2013]

you can't do anything.png

Discernment & Hearing Tim’s Voice

My friend Tim died suddenly. He was 35. I was with him two weeks prior, joking around, pushing, poking. Then his heart stopped beating and he was gone. I will never see him again on this earth.

After his death, I was struggling with the decision of whether or not to attend his funeral or a Christian leadership conference that was coming up the same weekend. We were going to be taking a friend with us to the conference who tried to commit suicide two weeks before. As I contemplated the decision, weighing in my mind were things like being judged by other people for not going, and disappointing others if I decided to go and miss part of the conference instead.

While battling with it in my hotel room, I heard, Tim say as clear as a bell in my head, “Rach, of course you need to go the conference, don’t worry about me.”

And that was that. My decision was made. Other people’s opinion’s aside, I knew what I needed to do.

Because I knew Tim, I knew his heart, I knew his passion, I knew his calling in life. Because I touched him, and heard his voice, and saw his face. Because I knew the inflection he used when he spoke, and the shape his mouth made when it formed words, and the expressions his eyes gave when he told a story…. I knew what he would want me to do in that situation.

And then it dawned on me, that’s how well I need to know and recognize God’s voice. I want it to be that clear and unquestionable. I never want to doubt again when I hear a directive: is this from God, or is this from my head?

So how do I get to hearing His voice that clearly? By getting to know God as intimately as I knew my friend Tim. To know His heart, and his desires for me – which is always what’s best for me.

As I pondered all of this, for the first time in my life “discernment” clicked for me. I made a revelation I can never unmake. Really truly being able to hear from and follow God’s Voice became a little more believable for me, and I have a clear mission and plan on how to get to that place.

Even after he left the earth, my friend Tim is still teaching me new things.

[January 2014]