silence

2015 was a pretty rough year. If you want more details, I get right into the thick of it in my blog called “The Year God Stopped Talking to Me”. The last year I had that was as rough as this was 2009, the year my marriage absolutely fell apart. But what I’ve learned is the hardest years are the years you learn the most. About yourself, about other people, about the world. I wrote another blog on New Year’s Day of 2010 called “Things I learned in 2009”. The things I learned that year were very different, although no less significant, than the things I learned this past year.

These are the things I learned in 2015:

Sometimes God shows up in very real and tangible ways and it makes you ugly cry.

Sometimes God is silent.

For a long time.

And you wonder if you did something wrong. Or if you deserve it.

Other times God is speaking and we aren’t listening correctly.

And then sometimes God is speaking to us and we plug our ears and “lalala” Him away.

Whoops!

Sometimes the things God prompts us to do are easy and second-nature.

Sometimes they are daunting,

Or overwhelming.

Or require bravery.

But they are ALWAYS for our best.

Always.

What He is looking for is our obedience. Above all else. Because He wants to bless us with other things, with more, more than we can even think of or imagine.

Sometimes that’s hard to believe.

Or we just lose sight of that fact.

And how we handle the little things determines what bigger things He brings into our lives.

Sometimes we have to take a walk through the desert. And it sucks.

Sometimes life isn’t fair.

Sometimes some people are allowed to get away with things that we aren’t. And we want to whine about it.

Sometimes, we do whine about it. haha

It’s not our job to play Holy Spirit for people.

Sometimes, God is working on things in people that he’s not working on in you. And vice versa.

Let it go. This is between you and God. And that is between them and God.

There will be other voices.

Listen to God’s voice above all the others.

And when He’s silent?

Well you certainly don’t abandon the gameplan – go back to the last thing He told you and stand firm.

When it feels like you just can’t, keep going.

Sometimes that’s harder than other times.

Sometimes that makes you want to cuss.

And that’s totally ok. He gets it. He can handle it.

God’s not going anywhere.

He is still right beside you – even when you can’t feel Him, or see Him, or hear Him.

Hold on to that. Find peace and comfort in that Truth.

This too shall pass.

Because sometimes, when you least expect it, God shows up in very real and tangible ways and it makes you ugly cry.

And everything will be right again.

Lately I’ve been feeling….dry.

And by “lately” I mean for like the last 6 months. And by “dry” I mean a little dead on the inside. Spiritually.

I have heard about spiritual desert seasons people go through. When they feel distant from God.

And I’ve seen the cheesy church signs that say things like:
“Feeling distant from God?
Who moved – you or Him?”

Thanks for that extra guilt and shame, church sign. In a time when I already feel lost and confused.

The fact of the matter is, I have been marching steadily toward the purpose and the mission to which God has called me. Not away from it or Him. So why do I feel so….blah?

At the beginning, when I started, when I was writing my book and right after I finished, when I started to tell people about it, and started telling my story, every day was exciting and new!! Filled with limitless potential! Every day was fulfilling. I had so much to get out and I watched people’s lives change right in front of me.

But now, I struggle with the feeling that maybe I’ve given all I had to give? Maybe now I’m all used up and empty. Dried out. Do I have anything left to offer people?

I feel guilty for not reading as much lately as I should be. I know my growth is directly related to how much I’m reading. But the hunger I had the Summer before I wrote my book – the Summer I devoured sixteen other books on marriage, divorce and remarriage in four months – has waned….no, disappeared. And I don’t know why.

I don’t even know what I would want to learn about next.
And I don’t want to only keep reading and studying marriage and relationships, I want to be able to offer more than that. Plus, I feel like I’ve said everything I have to say about that, in my book.

…..Which still isn’t published.

And that is what makes me feel the most drained and dry.

I’ve passed all three goals and deadlines I gave myself to get it out. I thought surely I’d be passing it on the shelf at Barnes & Noble by now. But I’m stiiiilllll editing. Which is not exciting, or new, or life-giving. It sucks every ounce of energy and enthusiasm I have for my book right out of me.

It took me 3 months to write my book, and I’ve been editing for 9. And I’m not even done with the first round.

And after I get finished with that, I’ve got to learn everything there is to learn about self-publishing. To make sure I do it right and make the best choices.

I assumed writing a book was the hardest part about writing a book. And I assumed someone else would be taking care of all this other stuff. I just want it out, and in people’s hands, so I can be moving on. Progressing to the next step in this journey, in my ministry.

But it’s not. And I’m not. I’m stuck.

I used to hear and see God leading me and moving other people and things into place. But now I feel like He’s being silent, and I don’t know why.

Recently, I heard about the “500 years of silence” the Israelites experienced between the time the Messiah was prophesied to them and the birth of Jesus. 500 years. He didn’t speak another word to them directly, or through his prophets at all.

500…five-HUNDRED…Years.

Entire generations died, just waiting.

This is the stretch of time between where the Old Testament ends and the New Testament begins. (Random fun fact: Alexander the Great lived in that 500 year time span, which is why, he is a real person but not recorded in the Bible.)

Were these years of silence their own fault? Disobedience?

Or, was there a greater purpose to it?

Did God just stop caring about them?

Did God stop caring about me? Did I do something wrong?

I wrote this in December 2015, but hadn’t published it yet because I didn’t have answers to these questions – I didn’t even know what all questions to ask – and it was scary and confusing. I have answers now. Lots of them. Not all of them, but lots of them.

And I’ll be sharing them with you soon.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, have you ever felt like you were in a dry season? Are you in one now? How long did it last?