Confetti, Hope and 3/16
My mom plopped down across from me in the nursery looking hurried and determined as she readied to leave my house. She and my Dad had stayed with us three of the four weeks since my son was born, but today they were rushing back home. It had been less than 12 hours since the phone call that changed our lives. They were trying to beat the news back to my Grandmother – my Memaw – so she could hear about the death of her only grandson from them instead of Channel 12.
They didn’t make it, by the way. The story broke before they could drive the three hours to their house in Southern Kentucky.
“I don’t want a funeral, I want a celebration of life,” She said, “And I want you to do it.”
“Oh! Ok.” I responded, not knowing what else to say, but certain I would do whatever she needed of me in that moment. I had never planned or preached a funeral before, but I had done plenty of public speaking and I reasoned, it’s got to be like planning a party, right? “I’ll figure it out.”
My sister-in-law, Susie, said I was in survival mode. The way I didn’t react at all and could just go about normal duties like my entire world hadn’t just been flipped upside down.
Turns out, it happens often after the loss of a loved one. A normal part of grief. Your mind isn’t able to process the traumatic event, so it shifts into hyper-efficiency as you plan details and arrangements, share the news with relatives, and go about your day-to-day. Once the flourish of activity ends, the numbing and coping mechanism stops and reality sets in. Most of the time.
“And, I want you to read his letter.” she added.
“Oh.” I looked pointedly at my mom, “Are we…….saying it out loud? His letter doesn’t leave much to the imagination, so we are telling everyone he did it on purpose?”
“I don’t have anything to hide.” Her clipped reply caught me off-guard, but filled me with a strange pride. This was not a normal response in my family. We have been hiding things on behalf of my brother for most of my life.
Her final request was that we play the hymn, I’ll Fly Away.
In the following days as I prepared, I prayed God would give me the right words to say and that I would be able to deliver them without my voice shaking on that day.
3.16.21
It would be two weeks before we received my brother’s ashes – there was some back and forth with evidence and autopsies and processing time, etc. Once they were ready, the crematorium in Arizona shipped them – like, FedEx, I’m not kidding – and they ended up getting delayed at a depot, missing the delivery window for the service.
My brother was literally late to his own funeral, which was on par for him. We made a joke of it that day.
His remains would be buried in a second-hand gravesite that had belonged to my Memaw’s family. The cemetery is only one lot over from her house. We walk over there once a year on Memorial Day to put flowers on my Great-Grandparents grave. (They didn’t serve in the military, it’s just tradition in those parts.) I grew up playing in that cemetery anytime we would visit my Memaw and Grandad, riding my bike or running laps around the circular drive. My Memaw already has her headstone fixed on her plot – even though she’s very much alive – and now my brother’s body would be tucked in the earth right beside hers.
My mom requested the event be small – immediate family, and John’s girlfriend, only. There was confetti and balloons, music and singing (I found the Etta James version of I’ll Fly Away), a little crying, and fake, press-on mustaches. (That’s a story for another day.)
The pastor from my parents’ church and I co-led the service. This was my message:
“My brother committed suicide” is not something I ever wanted to be a part of my story. Neither was getting divorced.
But what I’ve learned in the last decade and a half is that God can take the broken, unwanted parts of our story and use them anyway, if we let Him. For our good and His glory.
He even promised it right in His Word through the apostle Paul in his letter to the Romans: He causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
I’ve learned if we share the vulnerable parts of our story out loud, we give other people who are hurting and broken permission to share theirs as well.
It makes them feel less alone.
So that’s what we’re doing today. We are saying the TRUTH out loud so that we can begin to process and heal together. And bringing the truth to light so it cannot stay hidden to fester in the dark.
It’s our secrets that keep us sick. And we want to be healthy and whole and free from the bondage of secrecy.
….
My husband recently pointed out that in just a couple weeks, it will be Sammy’s first Easter. But it will also be our first Easter without John.
I cried when he said that. I hadn’t thought of it yet. I am heartbroken and even angry that now these special moments of joy will be forever entwined with sorrow. Marred. Tainted.
Easter, or, “Resurrection Sunday”, as my brother would call it, has always been a big holiday for my family. We celebrate right here in Somerset every year.
It’s dripping in tradition for us.
We always buy new Easter outfits – most often complete with hats – and wear them to church. We sing hymns about the cross and the blood and Jesus’s triumphant resurrection. We take communion. We hunt eggs in the church yard afterward. We take pictures on Memaw’s back deck. We eat a big lunch and spend the day together, if not the whole weekend.
In recent years, we have played cards for hours, as that’s become our family’s most beloved pastime.
For half of my life, that’s all Easter was for me. A day of religious and familial tradition.
But the last decade or so, I have started studying and meditating on the meaning and significance of Easter and Holy Week.
Easter is earmarked by many themes and symbols: Love, Sacrifice, Blood, Redemption, Forgiveness, Grace, Victory, Freedom, Covenants, the Cross and the Crown, the Lamb and the Lion….
But for me, the strongest resounding theme of the whole holiday (at least this year) is: Hope.
Easter represents the Hope of the Promise for reunion.
After the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, God vowed to make a Way to be reunited with His beloved creation, humans. He set a Plan in motion, a Plan that culminated thousands of years later with the Roman crucifixion of His Son on that old rugged cross.
That Friday, as the sun went dark, all of Israel, all of Jesus’s followers, and all of Heaven (except the Father himself) were hopeless.
If that’s where the story had ended, we too, would be hopeless. Our bodies would die and that would also be our end.
But we all know that three days later, Jesus walked out of Hell and out of His grave, and God’s Plan was completed. His Promise was fulfilled.
And because we have accepted that promise as our own, we now live with the Hope of life after death. And an eternity of union and fellowship with our Father.
And because we know John was also in on that Promise, we get to live with the Hope of being reunited with him again one day as well.
So today, we are celebrating the time we had with him here and the Promise of an eternity of laughter and joy and adventure with him there.
We can rejoice, like John’s letter asked us to.
*
Miraculously, my voice didn’t quiver one time.
Afterward, we walked back to my Memaw’s house and had lunch on the back deck. We ate fried chicken and lingered in the warmth of the sun and family.
The next week I journaled,
On March 16th, 2021, we celebrated my brother’s life. The 40 years, 6 months, and 10 days we had with him here on earth.
We celebrated the fact that we know where he is, and that we will get to see him again one day.
The day was perfect and beautiful and Holy in a way that only God could orchestrate. (71 and sunny in mid-March!)
Only after-the-fact did my cousin Kara point out that the celebration was on 3.16.
The 16th verse in the third chapter of the book of {JOHN} is one of the most well-known and well-quoted Bible verses in history. It is the first that most children are taught to memorize in Sunday School. You can probably call it to mind and rattle it off right now without much thought.
It’s the core of the Christian belief system and THE reason we will be reunited with my brother in Heaven.
“For God so loved the world that He gave his only son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Amen. Selah.
See you when we get there, brother.
***
This post is part 3 in a series that starts with: http://racheldawnwrites.com/blog/reads-like-fiction/