I heard an all-too-familiar story this week about a newlywed couple I know having the same kind of toxic, merry-go-round fights that were a constant, continual pattern in my life at one point.
Young wives, can I share with you the two best pieces of wisdom I learned after failing miserably at my first marriage?
First: Choose. your. battles.
I know as you blissfully walked down the aisle on your wedding day you could never imagine your Prince Charming ever doing anything that would cause you to want to fight with him, but let me tell you a truth: at some point, he’s going to.
Even if you lived together prior, there’s just something about after it’s official, sharing all finances and responsibilities, and the pressure of life that eventually snaps you out of the dreamlike daze of your dating and honeymoon into reality.
Every day you will see and learn new things about each other that you didn’t notice before (no matter how long you dated) and you won’t like some of them.
Obviously, you can’t fight about everything, every day. That gets exhausting for both of you and it wears at the emotional connection/closeness you have. Making it harder for you to enjoy the good times/days you do have together.
But you can choose your battles.
Can I tell you a secret?
I can’t stand the way Barry loads the dish washer.
But, he does do the dishes (almost) every day, and I appreciate that. Me correcting, criticizing or complaining to him for the way he positions the bowls or which end up he puts the silverware will only cause him to lash out, or shut down, or both.
Have you experienced this? The, “Fine, then you do it yourself!”
If you lean toward perfectionism like me you think, “Well, the only way it will get done right is if I do it myself anyway, so I might as well just do it.”
But when I took this approach in my first marriage, it only led to burnout and bitterness over time. I felt overwhelmed and that he was never helping out around the house at all. Working full-time, and running another business on the side, I couldn’t possible handle everything myself.
Sweet friend, does it really matter how the dishes get done (as long as they get clean)?
Or which way the toilet paper roll is facing? Or how the towels get folded? Or how his shirts are hung? Or that he left his socks/shoes/coat/shirt/whatever article of clothing in the middle of the living room again? No. None of that really matters.
A good litmus test for things that really matter is to ask yourself, “Is this going to matter in 5 years?” If the answer is no, then it doesn’t matter now. Let it go.
But fighting, criticizing and complaining about everything now, can and will absolutely effect what the atmosphere of your relationship and your home is like in 5 years.
Please trust me, it is so not worth it in the long run.
The sweetest reminder I ever had of this lesson was a dear friend of mine talking about her late husband. She said she remembered all the times she used to nag him and complain every time he left his socks out somewhere around the house and she had to pick them up. Now that he was gone, she would look around her empty house and wish she still had socks to pick up. That he was still there to leave socks around.
“What a silly thing to complain about,” she told us in reflection.
After learning this the hard way in my first marriage, there are countless, needless arguments I have prevented in my marriage with Barry. Even if he has criticized me about something that doesn’t matter or said something I interpreted as hurtful, I have learned not to react because I know it will only start a fight.
And our home is much more peaceful and stress-free because I learned this practice.
Am I perfect at this? Ha! HARDLY! There are still times I find myself in the middle is rattling off about something he did (or didn’t do) before I catch myself and realize, why did I even start this?
And sometimes I sneak into the kitchen and rearrange some things to fit more in the dishwasher before pressing start! 😉 (shhh, don’t tell him.)
The second lesson I learned is: There’s a time and a place for everything.
Given all I just said, there are certainly things in your marriage that require you to speak up: how the finances are being handled, how children are being parented, how work around the house is being distributed, how and how much time is being spent outside the home, etc.
Listen to me closely: how and when you bring these things up is WAY more important than the issue itself. Bringing things up at the wrong time and/or in the wrong tone, can cause the exact same reaction as fighting too much or about things that don’t matter.
And by the time you’re shouting insults at each other, your husband has not only not gotten your point, the same behavior or issue will likely continue.
If you’re husband is tired, or grumpy, or stressed, just wait a little bit. (I know this is not easy because as women when we are stewing about something, we want to get it out and handled right then and there!) But I promise, the message will be much better received and effective if you wait until he is in a more favorable and relaxed mood.
Sometimes that may even mean waiting until tomorrow. :-S
I know you’ve been told never to go to bed angry, but unless you want to go to bed even more angry, and after a fight, take my advice and give it a little time.
If Barry says something to me that’s hurtful, I try not to react in that moment, taking the bait to start an argument. But if it’s still bothering me a day or two later and we’re in a good place, I might say, “Hey, the other night you said this to me and that hurt. That’s something I’m self conscious about….”
Most of the time he doesn’t realize he said it, or he didn’t mean it the way I took it, or, if he did, he didn’t realize the way it effected me. He apologizes and makes a cognizant effort not to say that again. (And I do the same for him when he mentions something to me).
But if my first husband ever said something to me I interpreted as hurtful, I immediately retorted back with a flaw or downfall of his, to make myself feel better in the moment. Except all that tactic resulted in was both of us being hurt and likely finding ourselves in an escalating argument.
Let’s talk about place. Never, ever, ever criticize or complain at/about your husband in front of other people (including family). Unless you are deliberately trying to obliterate his self-image and cause him to shut down. Because that is what will happen, even if it is delayed.
“There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.” Stormie Omartian says in the opening chapter of her book The Power of a Praying Wife. “Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that is not always easy.”
There is so much power in just biting your tongue. I’ve found I make a lot greater impact with the things I don’t say in my marriage than with the things I do.
The same goes for Barry. I know I’m not perfect, there are things I’m still working on every day. And the last thing I need is to be reminded of them by the person who is supposed to have my back, facing the world with me.
You guys will have plenty of external battles to fight throughout your life, it’s way easier if you are fighting them together. Instead of going into battle alone and exhausted because you just spent all night waging war at home.
When in doubt, Omartian says she has learned to just “shut up and pray”.
Lord, show us when to speak up and when to choose our battles wisely and keep silent. Amen.
