accomplishment

Three years ago on this day, I sat on my living room couch in my snack-stained bathrobe and messy bedhead bun – on what should have been one of the happiest days of my life – only feeling confused and disappointed.

I remember thinking, this is not at all what I imagined this would be like. I thought I would feel…..different. I thought I would feel something at least.

Anything but the way I did.

It was launch day for my first book, Now What? A Story of Broken Dreams and the God Who Restores Them. This was the culmination of a six-year journey. The achievement of a dream I had held in my heart since the third grade. The pinnacle moment for the project I had poured every bit of myself into for the last four years.

And I felt nothing.

The night before, I had been up late waiting to push “publish” on the Amazon CreateSpace platform that would send my words to every corner of the globe with an internet connection.

As the second hand tipped over the minute line and the clock struck midnight, I pushed that button with great expectation – as if my whole world would magically transform in an instant. When a confirmation page loaded on the browser I thought, well that was anticlimactic.

I walked around in a daze that Friday.

My book launch party was still a week away; there was still plenty to do, so I threw myself into the last-minute details of that and convinced myself that on that day – surrounded by my closest friends and family, toasting lattes to my accomplishment – I would finally feel that mountaintop moment of arrival I was expecting.

But November 11^th came and went, and while I relished every moment of celebrating the milestone, surrounded by my biggest cheerleaders, nothing changed on the inside of me.

In fact, I plummeted so fast and so far south on my emotional rollercoaster, I felt more disenchantment than elation. Disillusionment than excitement.

I checked the sales report every morning for weeks – expecting to see numbers in the thousands. When it barely tipped over 60 copies in the first month, I was in a full-on depression.

What was happening?

If God really called me to write this book, and He opened all the doors for me to put it out in the world like He did, wouldn’t He also cause it to fly off the shelves?Wouldn’t He want as many copies in the hands of as many people as possible? Wouldn’t He want to make it a best-seller?

Did I hear Him wrong? Is this my fault? What’s wrong with me?

Then came the shame. Mountains and oceans of shame.

Shouldn’t Jesus be enough?

I mean, sure, those “lost” people out in the world deal with feeling unfulfilled, but not Christians, right?

I mean, I literally learned this lesson in junior high youth group: Every human on earth is walking around with a Jesus-sized hole inside them. Most people go around trying to fill it up with relationships, or sex, or drugs and alcohol. But once you “get saved” and “have Jesus”, all that goes away.

…Then why did I still have a hole?

What I have learned in the last three years is that achievement is empty. Achievement alone.

Even if it is the achievement of something good.

Even if it is something God called you to.

Even if it is in ministry.

Even if your heart is pure.

And no body prepared me for this.

No one ever told me that people inside the church – even inside ministry – can still feel emptiness in their souls.

I had enough foresight to see that if accomplishing the number one goal in my life made me feel this hollow, than any other goal I set from here would only result in the same cavernous hole. And I needed to do something about it.

So I set out on a journey. To wrestle with God about the ideas of success and accomplishment I held so deeply. To seek to understand the balance between expectation and contentment. Striving and satisfaction.

And it’s been great!

And scary. And fulfilling. And challenging. And burden-lifting. And freeing. And seemingly never-ending.

But, I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m starting to grasp some firm answers and see through the fogginess to clarity.

It’s time to start talking about it. I’m excited to begin sharing this journey with you.

If you’ve ever been disappointed by a dream come true, I hope you’ll come along with me.

I wanted to call this blog, “Boys Don’t Like Girls Who Bite Their Nails – And Other Habit-Breaking Pieces of Wisdom” but that was a bit wordy, and my editor tells me I need to work on that.

For as long as I could remember, I was a nail-biter. Like the compulsive, bite-down-until-they-bleed kind. I know, it’s a dirty, disgusting habit. You don’t have to tell me. In middle school my older brother endowed me with the timeless wisdom, “Boys don’t like girls who bite their nails.” Thanks brother. Nice pep talk.

I had tried putting tape over them, bitter-tasting stuff on them, sheer will-power, and a myriad of other tricks to get myself to stop. But even if I held out for a while the first snag I had, the whole nail was chewed off to the bed again.

At 20 I was dirt-poor living on my own in Cincinnati, working as a receptionist, and still biting my nails. I remember driving home from work one Friday, a payday. I didn’t have any plans for the rainy night, and as I pulled off the exit gnawing on my bloody stump of a tomboy nail, I made a decision. I steered my car into a nail salon parking lot and decided to get a manicure. A real one. Not the press-on nails from Walmart for prom night type of manicure.

But first, let me explain what I mean by I was dirt poor: I don’t mean, I was buying bargain “select” instead of “prime” cut meats at the grocery, I mean a shopping at the Dollar Store with my $10 grocery budget for the week after all my other expenses came out of my paycheck. Any decent meals I had came from dates I went on and their subsequent leftovers. (Thank you bachelors of Cincinnati for sustaining me for 2 years.) So for me to invest FORTY DOLLARS into a French manicure, it might as well have been a million! But I knew if I paid such a high cost for my nails, I wouldn’t dare bite them off.

I felt a little silly, since I didn’t even know how to answer some of the questions they were asking me about my preferences at the salon. It hurt while they were working on me since my fingers were raw. And God love the technician who just had to make up the white lines halfway down my nail. But when they were finished, I looked down at my hands and felt so much pride. I felt ladylike and professional and fancy.

By the time the polish fully chipped off a couple weeks later, my nails had grown out enough they passed the end of my fingertips. I liked the way it looked and moreso, the way it made me feel. Accomplished, proud, sophisticated, mature, and clean.

I never bit my nails again to this day.

So here’s the point of telling you my nail biting story. Rarely do I get motivational-speaker-y, but over the last decade since breaking my first nasty habit, I’ve learned a few things about setting goals, breaking habits and getting things done I’d like to share with you.

I think we’re collectively beyond the naiveté that New Year’s Day is the only time to start over, set a new goal, or establish a new habit in life. You can do this any day of any month you want. But we are in that season of the year when more people are at least thinking of things in their life they would want to be different. So let’s set you up for success with 8 simple tips if you’re planning to go after any of them:

1. If you want your life to change, something in your life has to change.

I recently heard a speaker say this: “If 2016 is going to be different than 2015, then 2016 has to be different than 2015. You can’t make the same choices and decisions in 2016 and expect your life to be different come 2017.” Period.

2. You value what costs you something. The greater the sacrifice for a change, the more likely it is to be permanent.

The first time I went to a gym with any consistency is when I was in another very tight spot financially, planning my wedding. I couldn’t afford a gym membership, but wanted to tone up before my big day. A local gym offered a 21 day trial membership that required a $60 good- faith deposit. If you didn’t come to the gym at least 3 days a week during your trial, they kept the money. So I wrote them a check that I didn’t have the money to cash and you better believe my ass was in that gym every day the doors were open.

3. Be specific with your goals.

Nothing says, “nothing is going to get accomplished” like vague, immeasurable goals. Rather than saying, “Lose weight” How much weight do you want to lose and by what date? Or, “I want to become a better person” make it specific like this:

THIS YEAR:

A bad habit I’m going to break:

A new skill I will learn:

A person I hope to be more like:

A good deed I’m going to do:

A place I will visit:

A book I will read:

A letter I’m going to write:

A food I’m going to try:

And set a deadline for each of them.

4. Write. It. down.

It’s ridiculous the amount of data, studies and articles that irrefutably confirm people who physically write out their goals are guaranteed more likely to accomplish them than those who don’t. (http://sidsavara.com/personal-productivity/why-3-of-harvard-mbas-make-ten-times-as-much-as-the-other-97-combined)

Stop being lazy. Stop thinking you’ll beat the statistics. Just write them down.

5. Bad habits MUST be replaced with a good habit to last.

Biting my nails was replaced with regular, professional nail care. And when I couldn’t afford it, I still invested the time and energy to put polish on my own nails so as not to let myself slip back into my old habits.

Kicking soda? Replace it water, ounce for ounce.

You’re fasting from Facebook/Social Media in January? Great. What are you going to do with that time you now have available? Because if you just replace it with browsing other internet sites, you’re not any better off without Facebook. And, even if you have the willpower to make it through your fast period, you will revert right back to your old Facebook habit as soon as it’s over.

How about investing that time into reading a book on self-development or relationships, or playing an educational game with your kids? when you feel like quitting

6. KNOW YOURSELF.

You have to know what works for you and what doesn’t, what motivates you and what keeps you accountable. Things that work for other people might not work the same for you.

I know my natural tendency is to want to come in after a long day of work and just veg out, watch TV, do nothing. But, I learned that if I do that I will be too drained to be productive after. So if I want to get a workout or some reading in that night, I know for me, I have to do those things first. Then let myself relax with a TV show as a reward. That motivates me. That works for me. And it’s something I can stick to because of my task-oriented personality. That might not work for you. Maybe you need accountability partners. Or a physical checklist. But you’ve got to figure what does motivate you and keep you accountable and start implementing it NOW.

(PS, I read a book that taught me this lesson, it’s called, “Eat That Frog: 21 Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time”. Buy it here:

Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time)

7. Stop lying to yourself, and the people in your life.

This goes along with #6. Nothing is of more frustration than people who are always setting new goals and never finding a way to keep themselves accountable to them. It’s ok to miss a goal and re-set it, but setting a new weight loss goal every tomorrow, while you finish off that donut or late night pizza is only kidding yourself. And truthfully, hurting your self-image. Not to mention, breaking down the trust of the people in your life. (But that’s a whole other conversation)

You’re never going to achieve ANY goal that you don’t have a daily, viable plan to walk out. Which leads us to #8.

8.Make a daily plan.

Creating new habits and accomplishing goals and dreams is only EVER accomplished by consistent, daily effort. You’re not going to lose 30 lbs before Summer by working out 2 hours a day one week, taking three weeks off, working out 3 hours one day, taking four days off…. But if you show up for 15-30 minutes a day, every day, you can.

Did you know if you read for 15 minutes a day for a whole year, that’s over 91 HOURS of reading?! If the average book takes 5 solid hours to read, that’s 18 books in a year! Even if a book takes you twice as long, that’s 9 books a year. A lot can change in your life by reading 9 books in an area you want to grow in.

If you want to publish that book, you’ve got to write every day. Even if it’s just a sentence or a paragraph.

If your goal is growing your relationship with God, you’ve got to show up and invest in that relationship by diving into the Word and praying every day.

If you want to save up to buy that [new house, new car, whatever], you’ve got to make a decision with your money every day, by the things you don’t let yourself spend on.

To close, I’ll leave you with the best quote I saw this year to keep in mind when setting a New Year’s – or any – Resolution:

fast forward

Let’s all be watchful of spending time setting and going after goals that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Sit down and think about what you even want your life to be about, what you want it to look like, what legacy you want to leave after it’s over. Only then can you map out the goals and steps you need to get there.

Slow down to speed up.