crossroads

Chain Breaker

If you’ve got pain, He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost, He’s a way maker
If you need freedom, saving, He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains, He’s a chain breaker.
-Zach Williams, Chain Breaker

Every Thursday night that I’m not out of town for work, I get the opportunity to volunteer in the senior high ministry at my church.  And every week when I walk out of that room I feel overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude, awe and wonder.

Gratitude that I get to be a small part in these young adult’s lives, at such an impressionable and vulnerable age.  The things they are learning about themselves and the world right now, are what will shape their self-image and sense of self-worth for life.

I am in awe that God still chooses to use me, despite all that I have been through and all the things I have done wrong in my life.

And I am in wonder at the ways He works miraculously through me, my story, and my experiences.

This past week was particularly astounding.  The message was on experiencing Freedom, which is one of my five core passions in life, and one of the things I believe God has specifically created me for.

As the presenter told a story about a time in his life that he lived with the fear and bondage of what other people thought of him, and how he was set free from that, the students were instructed to bind their wrists in zip ties and think about things that are keeping them from freedom in their own lives. Whether that be bitterness, fear, pride, a relationship, a habit, an addiction…. As he wrapped up, he read a list of examples that other high school students had written down about some of the things they felt they were in bondage to:

Worrying about the future
If I’m honest, no one will forgive me or love me.
Eventually God will say enough is enough.
I’ll never be good enough
[the thought that] Forgiving someone means what they did is ok
I’m super scared people won’t approve of me
I’m afraid I’m not smart enough
I’m afraid I’ve done too much
I’m afraid everyone will stop loving me
[I feel like] I have to do everything on my own because if I let people help, they will end up hurting me even more.

As he read, I cried.  A couple of them really hit home for me because they were thoughts I had had myself at one point in my life.  I was also thinking about how universal those thoughts are; certainly every student in the room could relate to one, or any number of, the things on that list.

The students sat with their hands locked together as he finished and the worship band began to play “Break Every Chain” by Tasha Cobbs.  The lyrics go, “There is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain.”  When they were ready, they could walk to the back of the room where we leaders were standing with scissors to physically free them from their bondage of the zip tie, and pray for them to be released of their spiritual or emotional enslavement, if they wished.

One-by-one wrist-bound students got up and made their way to the back of the room.  One girl asked me to pray for her.  She told me she keeps asking God to send good people in her life, but then every time He does she pushes the person away and sabotages the relationship.  I asked her if she thought that was based on fears from her past, from other people she got close to who hurt, or abandoned or betrayed her.  She said yes.  So I prayed for her to be free of that past hurt, and to have an open heart and mind to receive these new, good people God was sending her.

As she walked away and I started singing along with the lyrics, I was flooded with the emotion of the moment. What an incredible metaphor happening all around me that I was getting to participate in.  It occurred to me that the ONLY reason I could stand at the back of the room and cut the ties of bondage off of these students was because I had already experienced that yoke-destroying freedom for myself!  By no means does that mean I’m perfect, or that I have arrived, but I am no longer bound. I am free, forgiven, redeemed, whole, made righteous and holy.

It’s in this state – and ONLY in this state – I am able to help others walk into freedom for themselves.

Streams of thankfulness poured from my eyes as I stood in amazement of a God who chooses me, who loves me, who sees me, and who breaks my every chain.

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Unqualified

Three Summers ago my stomach was in knots as I hit the send button emailing in my application to work as a camp counselor. I was afraid I wouldn’t be accepted because of what I had been through. I doubted I was worthy or qualified. I wondered if my divorce would make me appear as a negative role model that the staff wouldn’t want around their teenagers or own kids. Thankfully, I was graciously accepted and blessed with the opportunity to serve at Camp Northward’s high school week for the last two years.

This year my church, Crossroads, started their own senior high camp and I had a familiar flutter of insecurity when I applied for a volunteer position. But again I was welcomed with open arms.

On Tuesday, two of the girls in my small group expressed interest in being baptized. After discussing it further and talking with their parents, they decided to move forward with it at camp.

As we were prepping for the logistics of that day, the first of the girls asked if I could be the one to do it, I wholeheartedly and enthusiastically agreed, but then had to walk away as I was overcome with emotion. I could hardly stand as I wanted to fall on my face in absolute awe of my God. When the second girl asked, the impact was no less overwhelming.

I am constantly amazed at how God chooses to use me over and over again – even though I am so unworthy and so unqualified.  Even though I have failed Him and missed the mark so many times. Despite the fact I have rebelled and gone my own way in the past. Regardless that I continually have to remind myself to let control go and trust Him… He STILL chooses me. He STILL pursues me. He STILL uses me in the lives of other people. Every time I allow Him to.
And EVERY SINGLE TIME He surpasses what I could even think of or imagine.

He is a good good Father.

it is in your broken places

Woman Camp

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Recently, my church held a camping weekend woman’s retreat, they called it “Woman Camp”.

Ten years ago, if you had told me I would be signing up for a camping trip for 500 women only – voluntarily – I would have thought you were crazy. Sure I had attended plenty of women-only events… out of sheer obligation, but not excitedly. And I didn’t really feel like I fit in when I was there, I just didn’t relate.

In case you don’t know me, I am exactly equal parts fashionista and tomboy; which means you’re just as likely to catch me barefoot as you are in AWESOME stilettos. My best friends had almost exclusively always been guys and that’s who I spent time with.
If you were a female, you had to be not “chick-like”, but love shoes as much as me, to be invited into my circle. Chicks were crazy, high-maintenance and drama, I said.

And then, after a few years of experiencing hurt and neglect and verbal abuse and rejection, I became one of the crazy chicks. I suddenly understood all their feelings and irrational behaviors for the first time. I found myself acting out, just as irrationally.
I experienced the “why” behind their “what”, the root behind their fruit (as Jennifer Beckham would say), firsthand.

And that’s when it happened: My heart broke for them. All of them. From the most meek and timid and insecure, to the most angry and bitter and malicious, because under the surface they were all dealing with the same root(s), and so was I. I got it.

My heart softened toward them. I started listening to them instead of talking about them. Many of their stories were so similar to mine.

And then, I got mad. I saw how easily the enemy manipulates and abuses this gender – my gender. And in my heart, an agape love for these people was cultivated.

And then a handful of beautiful girls stepped alongside me and showed me what a sisterhood looks like. They loved me relentlessly and graciously accepted all my parts – the good, the bad, the tomboy and the ugly. 😉 And I wanted to do the same for them.

It didn’t take long before all the pieces fit together, and a PASSION for leading women out of bondage and shame, fear and isolation and into freedom, healing, wholeness and restoration was born in my soul.

That’s what this Woman Camp weekend was about for me – getting to be a part of that movement in Cincinnati, inside my church community. I got a glimpse of what that passion looks like coming to fruition. I wanted a front row seat to watch God do incredible, miraculous things in and through women. And I was excited to be a part of or help facilitate lives changing in any way I could.

This weekend was also a time of refreshing and worship away with my Father. It was Him showing me his plans and visions for me, once again. Him reminding me that He is handling everything, from every angle, and I’m just along for the ride – Safe. Protected. Provisioned. Called. Chosen. Anointed. Unqualified, but made qualified for this task through Him.

Let the veils stay lifted away and burned for each of us, and a clear picture of who God says we are and is calling us to be be branded in our mind’s eye. Our God has so much more for us. We are free women. No longer slaves to fear. We are children of God.