“The thing I find most amazing about amazing grace is the chance to give it out;
Maybe that’s what love is all about.”  – I’m Not Who I Was, Brandon Heath

This past week, I ran across the poetry and memoirs I wrote during the whirlwind five month romance that lasted from the day we met, to the day I married, my ex-husband.

It was ironic, and a little heartbreaking to read.

What I wrote most about was all the good things I saw in him and how bright our predestined future together was.  I wrote about seeing him through God’s eyes, the way He had created him, and all the things he was called to do with his life.

But after we were married, once the routine, stress and pressure of everyday reality hit: bills, jobs, stress, in-laws, holidays, the piles of dirty laundry, and dishes left all over the house…. My own natural eyesight came back into focus.  All I could think day after day was how different he was than before, and how our whirlwind romance was nothing like it was. How I no longer felt in love.

And, from everything I had read in relationship books, I knew it was my husband’s responsibility to keep up with the expectations he had set while we were dating, to satisfy my every dream and desire, to make me happy every day, to fill my love tank, to not step on my air hose, show me affection, chase after me, and resolve conflicts… It was his job to make me feel loved.

I tried guilting him in to loving me, threatening him, belittling him, challenging him, counseling him, and loving him into loving me. None of that worked. I even prayed to God to change him, to make him want to love and fight for me.

And when he didn’t, hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment set in. Criticism raged, and in time, I was disgusted by him. Instead of seeing his potential, I only felt contempt when I looked at who I saw.  (It’s funny… I never really stopped to ask God what I could do to change the situation, because I knew, clearly, it was all his fault.)  Eventually, all of this surmounted into hopelessness – about our marriage, about our future. I couldn’t see any way it would ever get better.

It’s easy when we’re in the “feel-good” phase of romantic love, to see all the good qualities in our spouses, to see them through God’s eyes. To see their potential, and all the good they have on the inside. But, when everyday life hits, how quickly all we can see are their flaws, their annoying habits, their broken-promises, how far they still are from that future person they were created to be.

Oh how that breaks my heart to think about how foolish I was.

It was not my ex-husband’s job to make me happy or satisfied, any more than it is my husband’s job now.

He can’t, really. Not fully anyway. No matter how badly he wants to or even how hard he tries. He can never truly fulfill all the things my heart and soul desire in a relationship. Ever.

There is only One Person who can ever do that.
This isn’t a self-help article – I’m not talking about finding zen and happiness on your own. Although that’s where the responsibility starts and lies – it’s up to YOU (and me) to seek fulfillment and wholeness and satisfaction and joy from the only One who can ever provide all of that for us – in any lasting capacity.

Jesus Christ.

I had been preached to my whole life growing up in church and youth group, “You have to keep Jesus at the center of your relationship for it to really work”.  But no one ever took the time to explain to me what the hell that actually meant or looked like in real life.

If you’re in that same boat, allow me to shed some light on this for you now, based on what I’ve learned and am still learning:

While preparing for my remarriage, God showed me all the times I fall short from that picture He has of me, and the times I hurt and disappoint Him. Once I realized, I wasn’t really so perfect either, it made it a lot easier for me to cut someone else some slack when they don’t live up to my expectations.

In fact, I kind of learned to let go of expectations all together.

I learned that if I take the time to seek relationship with Jesus every day, to connect with Him regularly –   through prayer, through reading scripture (to learn more about his character) through reading books about Him, then I find my happiness and fulfillment there, in that relationship.  And that takes pressure off Barry.

Jesus literally fills me up – with love, with grace, with patience – so that I even have anything to give back to my husband.

And in our time together, Jesus is constantly renewing my vision to see Barry the way He sees him.  I can look with fresh eyes and see – not the way he’s acting that day, or the way he’s making me feel – but all those things God has planted inside him that I get the privilege of watching come to fruition. I see the ways he’s trying rather than the fact he’s not there yet.

When Barry hurts me or makes me angry, if I take it to God first – He bandages me up, from the inside out – and then I can go back to Barry healed and whole and able to continue to give him the love and respect he needs, rather than the bitterness or contempt I feel like showing him.

And I know that’s waaaaaaay easier said than done.  I don’t always feel like going to God first about something, sometimes I’d rather pout or stew about it for a while.  But every time I find myself slipping back into disappointment, I check myself and remember the AMAZING grace I’ve been given, that I don’t deserve. And I find the strength and desire to pass that gift along to my husband.

And here’s the BEST part: once you take those expectations off your spouse – to be “your everything” (something that is humanly impossible for them to do) then they are freed up to love you in the ways they can, and it’s all just icing on the cake!