happy

Speaking Life

This week a professional friend/acquaintance told me “you have one of the happiest marriages I’ve ever seen on Facebook.”

While I appreciate what he said, his comment in and of itself was a can of worms.  I mean, we are all guilty of using our Social Media pages to portray the “highlight reel” of our lives – I certainly wasn’t posting a status update about the little squabble Barry and I had thirty minutes after that compliment!!  But later that night I thought about what he said while I was taking a shower.  Then I looked up and a reminder of why this is was literally right in front of me.

You want to know why my marriage is successful?  Happy?  Not perfect – but (a lot) more good days than bad?

Because these words cling to our shower wall and we read them every day, most days out loud.

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We are programming our minds with these positive thoughts and attributes DAILY.   Literally, speaking life into them.  Speaking each of them into manifestation in our lives.

Do you notice how they are all action phrases?  Deliberate choices.

So when one of us is moody or grouchy or tired or hungry and a quarrel begins, these are the words playing louder than any other track in my mind.  And it’s a lot easier to “avoid foolish and ignorant disputes” and keep my mouth shut, when I remember I already told myself I would today.

Having a happy marriage has NOTHING to do with finding “the right one” or your “soul mate”.  And happy marriages don’t just fall into place effortlessly.  Having a good marriage is the result of conscious, daily effort.  It’s work.

It’s choosing to let the snide comment go, and ignore the annoying habit.  It’s choosing to put someone else before yourself. It’s choosing not to be offended, or hold grudges, or keep a record of every misdeed. It’s choosing to see your spouse in the best light, even when that’s not really what you see at the moment.  It’s choosing to interpret what they said in a positive manner – not the manner that pisses you off – because honestly, that’s probably how they meant it.  It’s choosing to avoid strife.

A successful marriage, like success in almost any area of life, is really nothing more than a series of small (sometimes large, but mostly small) daily decisions.  But you must decide every day.

One of those decisions is choosing what you put/program in your mind about your spouse and about your marriage.  This has been a great place to start for us.  You can get your own shower cling here: http://clingtoyourconfession.com/clings

(If you’re not familiar with the concept and power of Positive Confession this probably all seems really weird to you, but diving into that subject is for another day and another post.  You can start with these books if you’d like to research on your own: “Hung By the Tongue: What You Say is What You Get”  & “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself”) 

A Word of Caution to the Girls Like Me

This is for the girls with Incredible Fathers.  I know it’s hard to imagine this blessing would require a word of caution, but bear with me…

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My father has exemplified what it means to be a Christian man, husband, brother, son and father every day of my life. I have never seen him waver. The strength and conviction of his character inspires those around him to be better themselves.

I have watched him lead our immediate (and extended family at times) spiritually. I have seen him confidently assume leadership roles in church my whole life.

He is always smiling and laughing. His countenance affects joy in every person he encounters. You just feel better after being around my father.

His love is unconditional.

Even when I have done things to disappoint him. He loved me enough to discipline me when I was younger, but would always hold me in his arms while I cried afterwards. Still today when I miss the mark, he wraps me in his arms and tells me, “it’s ok,” he still loves me anyway.

My father has a servant’s heart and is a true gentleman. He is always the first to open a door, lift heavy things, fix any and everything for anyone, give someone a ride, deliver a meal, and sow money generously. I have seen him go out of his way at his inconvenience to help people in need, pray for and with people, visit people in the hospital, deliver communion to people who were shut in, minister to hurting souls and baptize those in need. He truly loves people with all his heart.

I have never had to look past my father for an example. And I pray that I can emulate his example to the people in my life.
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My father has tried every day of my existence to show me the Love of our Heavenly Father. And he has succeeded, as much as humanly possible. It is so easy for me to read about the character of God and believe it because I have lived with a glimpse of it my whole life here on earth.

I would say I’m biased, but anyone who has ever met my father knows every word of this is true. I have had multiple people reach out to me to tell me what my father has done for them and meant to them.

I know his brothers are more of the same and I am so fortunate to call the Pennington men my family.

I am blessed beyond measure to call Donald my Daddy.

DAD 2With such an incredible example and standard of what a “real man” should be in my life, sometimes it’s easy for me to expect too much from other men. I remember the times I shouted at my ex-husband for not doing something the way my father would, or doing something he would never.

I will never forget the advice my mom gave me once when I was comparing him to what a “real man” should be….. she sweetly reminded me that my father has had a lot more practice at being a great man. He spent his whole life becoming “mister perfect”; that he didn’t start out that way, and it’s not really fair to expect that from a newlywed husband.

(And what wisdom from a woman who spent her whole life covering any faults my father may have had from her children, guarding his reputation, so we always had the best perspective of our father! She knew you can’t follow someone you don’t respect.)

It was a lesson I didn’t take enough to heart at the time, but one I will never forget.

This is not about “settling” for someone, it’s about acknowledging that you are both flawed individuals who need grace. With my husband now, I try to live with much more patience and grace, and the sweet expectancy that one day my child will get to experience having a father like my own!

But this will ONLY happen if I continue to help draw that out of him by loving and respecting him unconditionally, just as he is, at every step of the way. Not by letting him know all the ways he doesn’t measure up to Donald.