words

Weighted Words

The first time someone tells you they took notes on your talk, is a humbling and sobering moment.  You realize you’re not just talking anymore.

I’ve always been a story-teller, but now my stories carry a weight and a purpose, and can change people’s lives.

They always have on a smaller scale. Words are seeds. Seeds we plant in our own mind and our own lives, as well as in the lives of those we encounter. 

A few weeks ago my church played a music video for “Shake It Out” by Florence + The Machine that they remade.  You should go watch it, but for those of you with limited time I’ll attempt to help you visualize: It starts with a scene of a little girl practicing her ballet for her father, she’s so proud to show him what she’s learned. He claps and nods in approval then the words, “you can do better” slip carelessly from his mouth. The words are written in smoke on the screen and travel to the little girl’s ears. Then manifest as a the word “perfectionism” being branded on her chest. Several other scenes of children with their fathers follow, and different words are tattooed on their small, impressionable bodies from the words spoken to them.  Those labels become identities, which become demons with whom they battle through to their adult lives.

The video is powerful. It’s shaking. It leaves a lasting impression. It’s absolutely true.

And it’s not just children who are affected by words, we all are. You know that phrase, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? Yeah, that’s a lie. I’m sure it wouldn’t take you long at all to think about some hurtful words you received at some point in your life that still occasionally (or constantly) haunt you. Or even some positive words you heard that have driven you, or molded you.

Now I’m speaking words from a larger platform and more people are being impacted than just my friend on the phone or the person on the other side of the Starbucks table. Which is exactly what I wanted, what I know God is orchestrating, but the reminder struck me with such a sense of responsibility in that moment.

“To whom much is given, much is required.” -Luke 12:48

A select handful of close friends have read my book already on order to help me tweak it and to provide “advanced reviews/praise” for the release.

One of those friends recently told me that she took a lot of notes while reading my book. I giggled a little and told her, “I never thought about people taking notes from something I wrote. But I guess that makes sense because I take notes from books I read.”

It’s little milestones like these that keep me encouraged and moving forward on this journey.

The bigger my platform grows the more people my words will reach, and the bigger the responsibility I have to consider every word I let out.

No matter whether they come from my fingertips through the keys or out of my mouth, my resolution is that every word I produce: uplifts, encourages, inspires, provides hope, and comforts a hurting heart. I want people to receive a Breath of Fresh Air through me. To feel lighter, empowered, brave, comfortable and confident after I leave them. I want to lift the weight of shame, guilt, doubt, uncertainty and depression off their shoulders in the time I have with them.

That’s a lot. A big responsibility. It could be a lot of pressure. But I know I cannot do any of this in and of myself. It doesn’t come from me anyway. I’m only a grateful conduit of this transfer of love, grace, hope and inspiration with my words.

My task now is to always keep in check where my words are originating, are they from my flesh or from my Spirit? I will not always have the right words to say, but I don’t have to.

“Then the LORD reached out and touched my mouth and said, “Look, I have put my words in your mouth!” – Jeremiah 1:9

“For it was I, the LORD your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.” – Psalm 81:10

#56

Skydiving is was on my bucket list. It’s number 56, in fact. I kind of had it penciled in for this Summer, and then my best friend turned 40 and decided that’s what he wanted to do to celebrate. BINGO!

Weeks leading up to the event I was pure bottled excitement and eager anticipation.

My husband had a scheduling conflict arise so that he was not able to join us, and I remember having a strange little flutter of uneasiness. Am I going to be able to do this without him? Won’t I need him there?  Then I reminded myself, I lived a pretty routine life for 25 years before I met him, eight of which included my best friend who I was going to be with, so I would be just fine.

As the day drew closer, I started to feel my excitement turn slightly to nervousness and the night before, I was progressively overcome by sheer, paralyzing terror.

I took a long shower to try and relax my nerves, but sitting on the floor in the steam the words of the mandatory safety waiver video played through my head on a haunting loop, “Skydiving is dangerous and can cause serious injury, or even DEATH. Nothing about skydiving is guaranteed. No parachute manufacturer is perfect, no parachute packer is perfect, no skydiving company is perfect, no instructor is perfect. Equipment can fail. Instructors can fail. Weather can cause unsafe conditions. Strong winds can cause a parachute to collapse….”

And then this thought went through my mind: Was I going to die the next day? Followed by: What if I did? How badly would my husband be crushed? Would he blame himself? How long would his life be derailed? Is this the last day I’m going to spend with him?

I got out of the shower and the words continued to avalanche. I distinctly remember as I smeared lotion on my legs thinking, what if something worse happens – like we crash and I am paralyzed? I just met a quadriplegic who’s walking her faith journey out with God, and feels closer to God now than she ever has. What if God allows that same thing to happen to me? What if God tries to teach me something through an injury? I like my legs. I like being able to use them. Is this the last time I’m going to be able to move them freely myself?

A movie reel played in my head as it zoomed out on this moment: a bird’s eye view of me lotioning my legs was the foreshadowing of what I didn’t know was coming the next day. It’s actually beautifully cinematic, I darkly narrated to myself. Should I just not go through with it to avoid even the possibility of disaster?

I should pray.  But, is this something I am even allowed to pray about? Or am I not allowed to ask for protection for voluntarily jumping out of a plane – literally putting my own life at risk? Am I tempting fate? Tempting the prowling lion looking for lives to devour? Was I moving outside that hedge of supernatural covering I’d so clearly seen and felt protecting me?

I thought about all the things I knew I was created to do that were still undone, and wondered if I was risking letting Satan steal them?

I was almost sick to my stomach with all the thoughts swarming in my head.

I was terrified to say anything out loud, or at least wise enough to know what not to let come out of my mouth. I didn’t want to give life to any of these fears – as statistically improbable or irrational as they were. The seed had been planted and my enemy – the biggest liar in history – was having a field day with it!

I was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling when my husband walked in the room. I’m sure by my deflated body-language alone he could tell I was troubled by something.

“What’s wrong?”

I hesitated to answer. “I think I’m a little bit nervous about tomorrow.”

“Yeah? Are you scared?”

“No, I don’t think I’m scared, I’m just nervous I think.”

“Well, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to.”

A little defensively, “No, I want to go, I want to go skydiving. I’m going to go at some point in my life, so there’s no reason for it not to be tomorrow. I’m just nervous.”

And he said to me again, “I’m just saying, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to, you can back out. And it’s ok.”

My eyes lingered on his, trying to communicate what I was feeling without saying the words. All that came out was, “I don’t think that’s what I need you to say to me right now.”

“Oh.” He said. “What do you need me to say to you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to pray for you? Would that help?”

Knowing my friend, I said, “Well, I’m sure Keith will pray tomorrow before we all go up, but, yes, I think that would help.”

He grabbed my hand and began his prayer by thanking God for the day, and for our time together, for Keith and our friendship. He prayed over the rest of our plans for the weekend. For himself to get everything he needed out of the men’s retreat he was attending. He prayed that I would have fun the next day, that I would enjoy every moment and that I wouldn’t be nervous. And then, without a peep out of me, he literally started naming every single specific aspect of the jump the next day, eliminating each of those fears, one-by-one as if he was checking them off a list,

“And God, we ask that you watch over Rachel and Keith, and everyone else skydiving tomorrow. That the weather would be clear and perfect, that there would be no wind, that the plane would fly safely, that all the staff and instructors would be alert and focused, that all the equipment would perform as designed, that each harness and safety clip would function properly, and the parachute would deploy without issue, we ask for a safe landing….”  Tears streamed down my face as I received his words and a peaceful calm settled over my spirit.

I thanked him for praying, and he hugged me for a long time.

“Feel better?”

“Yes! 100%!”

“Not nervous anymore?”

“Nope. Not one bit. I’m pumped!”

He left the room and then I started to think about how sly the devil can be, how he uses the most strategic offenses to wage the warfare where he knows he can win – in our minds. Not only was he was trying to stop me from living life. From experiencing something new and invigorating. From creating a lasting memory with some of my closest and most special friends. But, from living boldly and confidently.

I thought about how conniving he had been, how he had slowly watered and pruned those thoughts as soon as they had been planted in my mind from that video.

What if I had listened to him and not gone?  What if I had let those thoughts overtake me and given life to those fears, given life to death, given it permission to come for me that next day?

The tongue is a “small part of the body” (James 3:5), yet Proverbs 18:21 says it “has the power of life and death.” This holds true whether we’re speaking of spiritual, physical, or emotional “life and death.”

And that’s when I got mad. How dare he?

I have already conquered this area of my life so many times and in so many ways. I have already learned to control my thoughts and mind my words. I mean, this is beginner faith stuff.  I learned this a looooong time ago. There is a whole chapter on it in my book for crying out loud!!  How dare he work his way back in there?  Satan is not welcome in my mind.

You May Have To.jpg

And then I saw how easy it was, how quickly he worked back into that driver’s seat, darting my thoughts all over the place. How rapidly I spiraled down that dark, dangerous rabbit hole. And I was reminded again how vitally important it is to constantly be renewing and guarding my mind.  It’s not a one-time thing.  It’s an every day thing.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. (- Romans 12:2)

I felt like Vince Lombardi was standing in front of me, pigskin in hand, uttering, “This is a football.”  The basics. The basics are the basics for a reason, in sports or faith or any other arena of life. They are building blocks, the foundation on which we build [the rest] upon. And if your foundation starts weakening, it won’t be long until your whole house crumbles.

Now am I saying it was God’s “will” for me to go skydiving? Maybe I am. I don’t know. But I do know it is NOT God’s will for me to live a life of fear and timidity, weak and limited, a life of mediocrity.

God has created and called each and every one of us to a life FULL of adventure, of taking new ground, of winning battles (even if they are just in our minds), and of doing it all for and with and because of Him. Because he has empowered us to do so. 
And don’t you forget it. The next time those voices of fear and uncertainty start to creep in, silence them quickly before they paralyze your faith.  Because if you don’t, you’ll miss out on awesome stuff like this: