Big Brother, Don’t You See

A few weeks ago, I sat watching my niece and nephew play together.  I smiled and felt a sting of pain simultaneously as I watched the way she looked at him.  She never left his side; she needed to be everywhere he was, doing everything he was doing, at every moment.  And to use an antiquated expression, you would think he hung the moon by the look in her eyes.

“It starts that young”, I marveled aloud to my husband.

At 20 months she already idolizes her almost 3 year old brother.  I wondered at what age he would become cognizant of it, and how he would take to that responsibility – knowing little sister is always watching.  I wondered if he would be loving and inclusive like he is now, or if he would be cold and dismissive and indifferent like my big brother had been to me.  My eyes stung with tears as I wished so much for him to be the prior.  I thought about how much that yearning to be just like him would grow and manifest in different ways as she got older.  And I prayed a silent prayer she wouldn’t fall into the trap I did of needing acceptance and affirmation from the one human being who withheld it from her.  I prayed she would know she is loved and wanted, even in the times Big Brother wasn’t showing it.

Later that week as that memory replayed in my mind, I started to put these words together, “Big Brother don’t you see….”  I decided to sit down and write a letter to Jeremy, a lesson or reminder for him that Big Brother is a big responsibility.  I knew it would be read to him now and he would not fully understand, but I imagine him pulling this letter out over the years, as he grows and his knowledge and understanding develops.  As he enters different life stages, these words will take on new meaning with each reading.

I was only a few stanzas in when I found myself weeping inconsolably at my computer.  I realized I was writing this letter to my 35 year old brother as much as I was to 35 month old Jeremy.  I was saying all the things I wish he had known and been conscious of as we were growing up.

As I was writing, my heart broke thinking about how much pressure all this was on little Jeremy – to be all these things, to be EVERYTHING to his little sister.  And I suddenly saw a piece of the puzzle I had never seen before.  I saw how much pressure and unrealistic expectations I had put on my own Big Brother.  I thought about how hard that must have been on him, always being on a pedestal and living in a glass house.  Never having any room to make mistakes and learn without immediately feeling like a huge disappointment. And in that moment I wept for him also.

So I penned a response to the first letter for Penelope called, “Little Sister, please remember….” Things I wish I had known, and what I want Penelope to know and and be mindful of as she grows.

It’s taken me a while to settle on just the right words and I wrestled with whether or not I would share it with the world, or just them.  My husband read it and was deeply moved and convicted about his relationship with his little sister, he said he thought it was a good reminder for every Big Brother (and little sister) to have.  So here you go:

Big brother don’t you see?

Big brother don’t you see?
her little eyes are watching,
watching everything you do.

Big brother don’t you see?
she wants to be just like you –
always emulating –
a lifelong game of monkey see, monkey do.

Big brother don’t you see
the way she follows you around
and looks up to your example?
Your feet never touch the ground.

There’s no more super a hero,
in a cape or tights
Though she loves father,
it’s brother she longs to be just like.

So, Big Brother, you have a job to do
and I hope you do it well
with all your heart and soul
and your striving never quell.

say your prayers
and brush your teeth
mind mamma well
don’t forget your q’s & p’s.

hold her tight when she cries
when she’s scared in the night
because in those little eyes
you make everything alright.

She won’t be little long.

So love her well
and show her right,
and always be the one
to settle the fight.

When you’re older,

hold your temper
and mind your words
because everything you say
matters most to her.

Forever your sister,
A friend if you let her.
Oh Big Brother can’t you see?
There’s nothing she’d like better.

You are her whole world
her moon and her stars,
And so also the one who
can cause the deepest scars.

So let her tag along
and be a part of things
tell her she’s included
and just watch the joy it brings.

Big brother don’t you see?
That’s all it takes to show
that to brother she matters
and that’s all she needs to know.

Click Here to Read “Little Sister, Please Remember”