The Year God Stopped Talking to Me

New year’s day 2016 I sat on my living room couch, face red-stained and eyes puffy from hours of crying, my voice half-strained from screaming – at God – in particularly colorful language at times.

Why?

Because it was New Year’s Day and as I sat down to reflect on the previous year and craft my plans and goals for the next, I realized 2015…..Well…..sucked.

Sure there were good things in 2015. In fact, on the outside it looked like a GREAT year:
We bought our first house.
Barry left his job where he was miserable and went into business with his Dad.
We took my my mom on an incredible trip to Hawaii for her 60th birthday.
I finished the last chapter of my book
Started a blog and author social media pages
Began my public speaking career…..

But behind the scenes:
The first two months in our new house Barry and I fought more than we had in the first five years of our relationship – combined.
Barry’s new arrangement with his dad happened a little prematurely than they planned and put a lot of pressure on both of them. Which caused Barry to be tense and irritable and led to us fighting more.
The second day of our incredible Hawaii trip, I got a call that my high school best friend overdosed on heroin and died and I spent most the trip bouncing back and forth between laughing and enjoying the present moment and crying after being blindsided by another memory of him.
I was told blogging and creating a social media following was necessary for building a platform for a book release. But once I started, they only added extra work and mental energy to my already overflowing plate. Which caused me to feel exhausted and (you guessed it) led to us fighting more.
My new speaking career was also happening earlier than I anticipated – it felt overwhelming and intimidating to me, like I was in over my head. I constantly questioned if I was ready or qualified for the task at hand, leaving me feeling insecure and vulnerable.

The fact that all of these things happened within a three month timespan caused so much stress, tension, and anxiety in my life – and my body- it literally almost broke my gallbladder.

I experienced excruciating pain that resulted getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, for months. It was so bad I almost went to the emergency room on more than one occasion. I lived in fear of every meal I ate because I never knew what was going to hurt me and what wasn’t. For about a month, I ate nothing but rotisserie chicken and apples, since I knew those were two things that would not cause pain.

Sure, there were good things that came as a result of the bad things:
My alarming health challenge caused Barry and I to stop fighting. I had never felt his love as tangibly as I did in those months, as he cared for me, sat up with me, rubbed the soreness out of my back from being hunched over for hours, stayed up with me, and prayed for me.
He took over as the spiritual leader in our home, standing in the gap for me as I struggled with doubt, uncertainty and fear.
These things aroused a great respect and admiration in me for him, and caused me to fall more deeply in love with him than I ever had been.

Days leading up to New Year’s, I couldn’t stop reminding myself that the ONE thing I did want to get accomplished in 2015 – publishing my book – didn’t happen.

I literally had a single goal, a single dream, a single resolution for two-thousand-fifteen: to put my book on physical (and digital) bookshelves and into hands of people who so desperately need it.
And it. didn’t. happen.

I felt like a total failure. Like I had wasted an entire year of my life.

And, in the midst of aaaaallllll that, God was completely, and utterly, silent. He had been for months at that point.

For countless nights I sat up in hours of pain, I had been pleading with God to show Himself to me. To show me the purpose in any of this.

I had reasoned if the manifestation of my healing wasn’t happening physically immediately, then there must be something I was supposed to be learning in the meantime. Something God wanted to teach me in this place of waiting.

I began asking Him what that was and let Him know I was fully open and joyfully on-board with learning whatever the lesson. Honestly.

Awaiting a reply, I got: NOTHING.
Not a peep.
Nada.
Zilch.
Not a single word

And then, our basement flooded.

That’s when the crying started.

It was New Year’s Eve. As we sat at home, instead of out ringing in the new year with our friends, dismantling drywall and sucking water out with a carpet shampooer, the weight of everything just hit me. I reached my breaking point. And enough tears to fill our basement a second time came spilling out of me.

I began crying out to God again.

If you’re going to make me go through all of this, at least tell me what I’m supposed to be learning! What I’m supposed to be getting out of it!! I shouted at Him.

Still nothing.

I don’t deserve this! I am being so faithful. Do you not see me? Are you not paying attention? Look at me!! What more do you want from me?!

[I began to feel a little like the bi-polar David in Psalms: “I love you Lord, your eyes are always upon me, you have blessed me abundantly.” Very next verse, “God, why do you hate me? My enemies are about to destroy me, why aren’t you watching?!”]

More silence.

And that’s when I got angry.

By New Year’s day, I was yelling most of the same things – just use your imagination to insert expletives in the middle of every sentence. (I guess I had moved on to a little bit of Job at that point….)

Now, what would make this story really great is if this is the part where I tell you, “and then God’s voice boomed audibly into my living room and said, ‘Rachel, oh ye of little faith, I Am still right here.’”

But that’s not what happened.

In fact, I had to sit on this blog for several months because my prayers for a Word and an understanding remained unanswered.

This was the first time since becoming a Christian – really becoming a Christian, since God had pursued me and I met Him in a real and intimate way five years ago – that I wasn’t hearing from Him, that I couldn’t feel Him close to me.

I had relegated myself to the thought that I was just in spiritual dry/desert season and would have to wait it out. (You can read about the desert season here: http://racheldawnwrites.com/blog/deserts)

But Now…..The Rest of the Story

A couple months prior to my New Year’s Day meltdown, a friend reached out to me asking me if I could recommend any specific scripture to help her through a current rough season. I told her, “That’s not really the way my relationship with God works – I hear from Him in songs, and books about Him, or books about the Bible, or even from Him directly (in my mind).” I recommended some songs that really helped me when I was in the same place, and a couple books she could read. And went on about my day.

See, I had tried reading the Bible all the way through, more than once, without success. And anytime I was dealing with something specific, I tried flipping to the concordance to find verses that applied to my own situation, but I always turned up empty – the verses would feel disconnected from what I was going through, so I gave up on that.

Whenever I needed an answer about something, I picked up a Christian book on the topic or found a preacher teaching a message about it to get my answer.

In those weeks of silence while battling my gallbladder symptoms, I began reading a book a friend had recommended to me. It was a topical study Bible called, “The Complete Personalized Promise Bible for Women”. I planned on using it for reference to find healing scriptures to meditate on, but I started with page 1 of the introduction and I’m glad I did. It hooked me, and I started reading it as a daily devotional of sorts.

For each section/topic, there is a promise, a faith confession for that promise, then scriptures backing up the confession.

While studying there, I came across this verse in 2^nd Thessalonians: “So then, brothers, stand firm and hold on to the teachings passed on to you, whether by word of mouth OR BY LETTER.”

I started laughing as it occurred to me Paul was writing to the early church in Thessalonica; those people were getting their messages from God in written letters, via Paul.

And in that moment Paul’s letter was to me saying: “God has written a letter to you. Stand firm and hold on to the things He wrote down 2,000 years ago.”

The next day as I sat writing in my prayer journal, praising God for using that verse to speak to me, I started laughing again as another revelation came: The Bible is called “God’s Word” – literally God’s Words. The Words He spoke to the people He loved. He had already said plenty to me, and it was all written down and recorded, preserved in time, so I could revisit it anytime I wanted or needed.

I was humbled. How arrogant of me to expect Him to talk to me, when I want, in the manner I want?

All that time I was in the desert, He was talking to me right in those pages, but I wasn’t receiving it. I wasn’t even looking in the right place!

How many tears (and angry words), how much stress and heartache, would I have saved myself if I had only looked there earlier? How different could the year 2015 have been?

God – thanks for never leaving us, and never forsaking us. Thanks for loving us enough to send and leave Your Word for us. And thanks for your everlasting and unconditional grace that we can never ever use up, because we need it – big time.

What makes you come alive?

I’m never so alive as when I’m writing something that has the potential to change someone else’s life.

DOing what I was CREATED and gifted to do.

I am not perfect. I will continue to get better, hone my craft, improve my skills…. But there’s nothing like living out your God-given purpose in real life.

What’s your purpose? What makes you come alive? When is the last time you thought about it? Or acted on it?

I know how easy it is to get buried in the routine of every day until weeks have gone by and you haven’t done anything meaningful. Friends, you were not created to work a job, to make money, to pay bills and just die.

What are you passionate about?
What are you gifted in?

Where those two things intersect, you will find your purpose.

God is in the Restoration Business

He breathes life into lifeless places.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship, your health, your emotions, your dreams….

He brings dry bones out of the grave and wraps them in flesh once more.

He Restores the years you lost, the love you lost, the friends you lost, the faith you lost, the dreams you lost, the opportunities you lost. Over and above what we can even think of or imagine.

He makes all things new, again.

If you let Him.

If something in your life needs total restoration, read these promises below and be encouraged.

He CAN do it.
He HAS done it for others (including me).
He WANTS to do it for you.
“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?” (Jeremiah 32:27, ESV)

“Be glad, O children of Zion, and rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given the early rain for your vindication; he has poured down for you abundant rain, the early and the latter rain, as before.The threshing floors shall be full of grain; the vats shall overflow with wine and oil. I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you.” (Joel 2:23-26, ESV)

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19)

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.” (Psalm 51:1-2, 6-12, ESV)

“Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” (Zechariah 9:12, NIV)

GOD IS IN (2)

Deserts

Lately I’ve been feeling….dry.

And by “lately” I mean for like the last 6 months. And by “dry” I mean a little dead on the inside. Spiritually.

I have heard about spiritual desert seasons people go through. When they feel distant from God.

And I’ve seen the cheesy church signs that say things like:
“Feeling distant from God?
Who moved – you or Him?”

Thanks for that extra guilt and shame, church sign. In a time when I already feel lost and confused.

The fact of the matter is, I have been marching steadily toward the purpose and the mission to which God has called me. Not away from it or Him. So why do I feel so….blah?

At the beginning, when I started, when I was writing my book and right after I finished, when I started to tell people about it, and started telling my story, every day was exciting and new!! Filled with limitless potential! Every day was fulfilling. I had so much to get out and I watched people’s lives change right in front of me.

But now, I struggle with the feeling that maybe I’ve given all I had to give? Maybe now I’m all used up and empty. Dried out. Do I have anything left to offer people?

I feel guilty for not reading as much lately as I should be. I know my growth is directly related to how much I’m reading. But the hunger I had the Summer before I wrote my book – the Summer I devoured sixteen other books on marriage, divorce and remarriage in four months – has waned….no, disappeared. And I don’t know why.

I don’t even know what I would want to learn about next.
And I don’t want to only keep reading and studying marriage and relationships, I want to be able to offer more than that. Plus, I feel like I’ve said everything I have to say about that, in my book.

…..Which still isn’t published.

And that is what makes me feel the most drained and dry.

I’ve passed all three goals and deadlines I gave myself to get it out. I thought surely I’d be passing it on the shelf at Barnes & Noble by now. But I’m stiiiilllll editing. Which is not exciting, or new, or life-giving. It sucks every ounce of energy and enthusiasm I have for my book right out of me.

It took me 3 months to write my book, and I’ve been editing for 9. And I’m not even done with the first round.

And after I get finished with that, I’ve got to learn everything there is to learn about self-publishing. To make sure I do it right and make the best choices.

I assumed writing a book was the hardest part about writing a book. And I assumed someone else would be taking care of all this other stuff. I just want it out, and in people’s hands, so I can be moving on. Progressing to the next step in this journey, in my ministry.

But it’s not. And I’m not. I’m stuck.

I used to hear and see God leading me and moving other people and things into place. But now I feel like He’s being silent, and I don’t know why.

Recently, I heard about the “500 years of silence” the Israelites experienced between the time the Messiah was prophesied to them and the birth of Jesus. 500 years. He didn’t speak another word to them directly, or through his prophets at all.

500…five-HUNDRED…Years.

Entire generations died, just waiting.

This is the stretch of time between where the Old Testament ends and the New Testament begins. (Random fun fact: Alexander the Great lived in that 500 year time span, which is why, he is a real person but not recorded in the Bible.)

Were these years of silence their own fault? Disobedience?

Or, was there a greater purpose to it?

Did God just stop caring about them?

Did God stop caring about me? Did I do something wrong?

I wrote this in December 2015, but hadn’t published it yet because I didn’t have answers to these questions – I didn’t even know what all questions to ask – and it was scary and confusing. I have answers now. Lots of them. Not all of them, but lots of them.

And I’ll be sharing them with you soon.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, have you ever felt like you were in a dry season? Are you in one now? How long did it last?

You Make Me Brave

brave

Jonathan Robert Willis *Photographer snapped this shot at the ‪#‎Unpolished2015‬ conference the moment he was asking me about my book, and i was telling him and his team about how i’m in the editing process now and how editing is WAY harder and more work than writing the book ever was! and then we laughed about it.

what i love is that this expression captures so much of what 2015 was for me – that’s an overwhelmed laugh. it’s laughter lined with a layer of uncertainty because i actually had no idea what i was doing. being an author, publishing, speaking publicly…. i know it’s what I’m being called to, but it’s all new territory for me.

so 2015 was a year of DOing, MOVING forward, of OBEYing, and figuring it out as i went – even when I felt completely unqualified.

When my picture played in the slideshow during worship at the end of the conference, it was timed perfectly with these lyrics, “you make me brave. you make me brave”.
i think it was a sweet reminder from my Father that I don’t have to have it all figured out, or feel completely certain or confident, He will give me EVERYTHING I need, including bravery, for this task He has called me.

And yet…..

My incredible friend Gaynelle helped me with a section in my book about combating the lies and falsehoods we hear in our own minds. She shared with me an incredible resource bible called, the “Complete Personalized Promise Bible for Women”. I snagged my own copy for my Kindle and am pretty much using it as my devotion this year. (It’s awesome)

Each section/topic has scripture, then a faith confession, then a list of all the verses from where that faith confession came. I’m having so much fun studying God’s love letters to His children – to me – that substantiate many of the faith claims and confessions that I repeat to myself on the regular already.

Listen to part of what I just read today, “I have His Word that His love will never be taken from me, He knows how I am formed.

He knows my shortcomings and my limitations. He knows everything about me,

(This is my favorite part)
and yet…..

His love for me remains.”

Isn’t that exactly what EVERY single one of us desires from our relationships in this life? To be loved for who we are, flaws and all, unconditionally?

There is Someone who can fulfill this longing we were born with raging inside us. There is a reason it’s there, and a reason you may have jumped from relationship to relationship disappointed each time you don’t find it.

#mondayfoodforthought #thebestromance #RedeemingLove #Helovesme

Boys Don’t Like Girls Who Bite Their Nails

I wanted to call this blog, “Boys Don’t Like Girls Who Bite Their Nails – And Other Habit-Breaking Pieces of Wisdom” but that was a bit wordy, and my editor tells me I need to work on that.

For as long as I could remember, I was a nail-biter. Like the compulsive, bite-down-until-they-bleed kind. I know, it’s a dirty, disgusting habit. You don’t have to tell me. In middle school my older brother endowed me with the timeless wisdom, “Boys don’t like girls who bite their nails.” Thanks brother. Nice pep talk.

I had tried putting tape over them, bitter-tasting stuff on them, sheer will-power, and a myriad of other tricks to get myself to stop. But even if I held out for a while the first snag I had, the whole nail was chewed off to the bed again.

At 20 I was dirt-poor living on my own in Cincinnati, working as a receptionist, and still biting my nails. I remember driving home from work one Friday, a payday. I didn’t have any plans for the rainy night, and as I pulled off the exit gnawing on my bloody stump of a tomboy nail, I made a decision. I steered my car into a nail salon parking lot and decided to get a manicure. A real one. Not the press-on nails from Walmart for prom night type of manicure.

But first, let me explain what I mean by I was dirt poor: I don’t mean, I was buying bargain “select” instead of “prime” cut meats at the grocery, I mean a shopping at the Dollar Store with my $10 grocery budget for the week after all my other expenses came out of my paycheck. Any decent meals I had came from dates I went on and their subsequent leftovers. (Thank you bachelors of Cincinnati for sustaining me for 2 years.) So for me to invest FORTY DOLLARS into a French manicure, it might as well have been a million! But I knew if I paid such a high cost for my nails, I wouldn’t dare bite them off.

I felt a little silly, since I didn’t even know how to answer some of the questions they were asking me about my preferences at the salon. It hurt while they were working on me since my fingers were raw. And God love the technician who just had to make up the white lines halfway down my nail. But when they were finished, I looked down at my hands and felt so much pride. I felt ladylike and professional and fancy.

By the time the polish fully chipped off a couple weeks later, my nails had grown out enough they passed the end of my fingertips. I liked the way it looked and moreso, the way it made me feel. Accomplished, proud, sophisticated, mature, and clean.

I never bit my nails again to this day.

So here’s the point of telling you my nail biting story. Rarely do I get motivational-speaker-y, but over the last decade since breaking my first nasty habit, I’ve learned a few things about setting goals, breaking habits and getting things done I’d like to share with you.

I think we’re collectively beyond the naiveté that New Year’s Day is the only time to start over, set a new goal, or establish a new habit in life. You can do this any day of any month you want. But we are in that season of the year when more people are at least thinking of things in their life they would want to be different. So let’s set you up for success with 8 simple tips if you’re planning to go after any of them:

1. If you want your life to change, something in your life has to change.

I recently heard a speaker say this: “If 2016 is going to be different than 2015, then 2016 has to be different than 2015. You can’t make the same choices and decisions in 2016 and expect your life to be different come 2017.” Period.

2. You value what costs you something. The greater the sacrifice for a change, the more likely it is to be permanent.

The first time I went to a gym with any consistency is when I was in another very tight spot financially, planning my wedding. I couldn’t afford a gym membership, but wanted to tone up before my big day. A local gym offered a 21 day trial membership that required a $60 good- faith deposit. If you didn’t come to the gym at least 3 days a week during your trial, they kept the money. So I wrote them a check that I didn’t have the money to cash and you better believe my ass was in that gym every day the doors were open.

3. Be specific with your goals.

Nothing says, “nothing is going to get accomplished” like vague, immeasurable goals. Rather than saying, “Lose weight” How much weight do you want to lose and by what date? Or, “I want to become a better person” make it specific like this:

THIS YEAR:

A bad habit I’m going to break:

A new skill I will learn:

A person I hope to be more like:

A good deed I’m going to do:

A place I will visit:

A book I will read:

A letter I’m going to write:

A food I’m going to try:

And set a deadline for each of them.

4. Write. It. down.

It’s ridiculous the amount of data, studies and articles that irrefutably confirm people who physically write out their goals are guaranteed more likely to accomplish them than those who don’t. (http://sidsavara.com/personal-productivity/why-3-of-harvard-mbas-make-ten-times-as-much-as-the-other-97-combined)

Stop being lazy. Stop thinking you’ll beat the statistics. Just write them down.

5. Bad habits MUST be replaced with a good habit to last.

Biting my nails was replaced with regular, professional nail care. And when I couldn’t afford it, I still invested the time and energy to put polish on my own nails so as not to let myself slip back into my old habits.

Kicking soda? Replace it water, ounce for ounce.

You’re fasting from Facebook/Social Media in January? Great. What are you going to do with that time you now have available? Because if you just replace it with browsing other internet sites, you’re not any better off without Facebook. And, even if you have the willpower to make it through your fast period, you will revert right back to your old Facebook habit as soon as it’s over.

How about investing that time into reading a book on self-development or relationships, or playing an educational game with your kids? when you feel like quitting

6. KNOW YOURSELF.

You have to know what works for you and what doesn’t, what motivates you and what keeps you accountable. Things that work for other people might not work the same for you.

I know my natural tendency is to want to come in after a long day of work and just veg out, watch TV, do nothing. But, I learned that if I do that I will be too drained to be productive after. So if I want to get a workout or some reading in that night, I know for me, I have to do those things first. Then let myself relax with a TV show as a reward. That motivates me. That works for me. And it’s something I can stick to because of my task-oriented personality. That might not work for you. Maybe you need accountability partners. Or a physical checklist. But you’ve got to figure what does motivate you and keep you accountable and start implementing it NOW.

(PS, I read a book that taught me this lesson, it’s called, “Eat That Frog: 21 Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time”. Buy it here:

Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time)

7. Stop lying to yourself, and the people in your life.

This goes along with #6. Nothing is of more frustration than people who are always setting new goals and never finding a way to keep themselves accountable to them. It’s ok to miss a goal and re-set it, but setting a new weight loss goal every tomorrow, while you finish off that donut or late night pizza is only kidding yourself. And truthfully, hurting your self-image. Not to mention, breaking down the trust of the people in your life. (But that’s a whole other conversation)

You’re never going to achieve ANY goal that you don’t have a daily, viable plan to walk out. Which leads us to #8.

8.Make a daily plan.

Creating new habits and accomplishing goals and dreams is only EVER accomplished by consistent, daily effort. You’re not going to lose 30 lbs before Summer by working out 2 hours a day one week, taking three weeks off, working out 3 hours one day, taking four days off…. But if you show up for 15-30 minutes a day, every day, you can.

Did you know if you read for 15 minutes a day for a whole year, that’s over 91 HOURS of reading?! If the average book takes 5 solid hours to read, that’s 18 books in a year! Even if a book takes you twice as long, that’s 9 books a year. A lot can change in your life by reading 9 books in an area you want to grow in.

If you want to publish that book, you’ve got to write every day. Even if it’s just a sentence or a paragraph.

If your goal is growing your relationship with God, you’ve got to show up and invest in that relationship by diving into the Word and praying every day.

If you want to save up to buy that [new house, new car, whatever], you’ve got to make a decision with your money every day, by the things you don’t let yourself spend on.

To close, I’ll leave you with the best quote I saw this year to keep in mind when setting a New Year’s – or any – Resolution:

fast forward

Let’s all be watchful of spending time setting and going after goals that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Sit down and think about what you even want your life to be about, what you want it to look like, what legacy you want to leave after it’s over. Only then can you map out the goals and steps you need to get there.

Slow down to speed up.

Nothing is Ever Hopeless

I have personally experienced the deep, agonizing pain of hopelessness in a marriage.

Riding the merry-go-round of blame and shame and anger and bitterness. Being too exhausted to even try anymore. Feeling like the only solution is out. That the ONLY possible way either one of you can be happy is to leave and start over.

But please trust me, even when it feels like it is…..

nothing is ever hopeless.jpg

I let the hopelessness swallow me whole once. And it cost me my first marriage.

I have caught momentary glimpses of this hopelessness at times in my marriage now, but I refuse to give up. My mentality is so different now. I stay hopeful. (And pray a lot!) And a solution ALWAYS comes. A new morning, a fresh start. And my strength is renewed to fight for it once again.

If you want your marriage to work, it really can.

It won’t be easy. And it might even get worse before it gets better. But I promise it can get better.

Do not give up.

Stay.

Try.

One more day.

And then another. And then another.

Do not lose hope.

The One Thing

Can I confess to you something I’ve been really good at?

I’ve been really good at noticing “the one thing”. And that’s not a good thing.

Our household is a little bit unique because I travel for my job, so my husband actually does most of the day-to-day keeping the house tidy and in order. I hire a house cleaner to handle the dirty work, because I don’t come home on the weekends to just clean my house either. But Barry does a lot to maintain while I’m out of town.

But, I’m really good at walking in the door after a work trip, taking a look around and noticing the one thing my husband didn’t do while I was gone.
While he is waiting for me to notice that he mowed the yard, picked up and vacuumed the whole house, and did the dishes, I walk in the door and go, “you didn’t take the trash out yet?”

I am very fortunate he hasn’t just given up on helping out around the house all together. A lot of men would have by now. He is amazing. And I am blessed.

But my careless words (even if said in passing) have required him to point out this nasty habit to me, embarrassingly, more than once.

I know a lot of wives actually struggle with this frustration. They could have washed every stitch of clothing in the entire house except for the one shirt their husband was looking for, but that’s all he mentions.
How quickly does that make you want to fly off the handle at them for being inconsiderate and unappreciative?

What we fail to realize when we mention “the one thing” is it sends the message to our spouse that no matter how hard they work or how much they do, it will never be enough, or good enough, for us.

Even if we acknowledge their good qualities and efforts in our own minds, we need to be more cognizant, with our words and actions, that we are communicating that to them. They need to know that we notice the good things and not just “the one thing” that doesn’t measure up to our standards.

In short, we need to be appreciative. Always. In all things. We need to speak and show more praise and thankfulness than criticism and demands.

Never stop appreciating the little things.

I am the first person who needs to hear this reminder, but maybe you do too?

I Can’t Stand the Way He Loads the Dishwasher

I heard an all-too-familiar story this week about a newlywed couple I know having the same kind of toxic, merry-go-round fights that were a constant, continual pattern in my life at one point.

Young wives, can I share with you the two best pieces of wisdom I learned after failing miserably at my first marriage?

First: Choose. your. battles.

I know as you blissfully walked down the aisle on your wedding day you could never imagine your Prince Charming ever doing anything that would cause you to want to fight with him, but let me tell you a truth: at some point, he’s going to.

Even if you lived together prior, there’s just something about after it’s official, sharing all finances and responsibilities, and the pressure of life that eventually snaps you out of the dreamlike daze of your dating and honeymoon into reality.

Every day you will see and learn new things about each other that you didn’t notice before (no matter how long you dated) and you won’t like some of them.

You May Have To(3) Obviously, you can’t fight about everything, every day. That gets exhausting for both of you and it wears at the emotional connection/closeness you have. Making it harder for you to enjoy the good times/days you do have together.

But you can choose your battles.

Can I tell you a secret?
I can’t stand the way Barry loads the dish washer.

But, he does do the dishes (almost) every day, and I appreciate that. Me correcting, criticizing or complaining to him for the way he positions the bowls or which end up he puts the silverware will only cause him to lash out, or shut down, or both.

Have you experienced this? The, “Fine, then you do it yourself!”

If you lean toward perfectionism like me you think, “Well, the only way it will get done right is if I do it myself anyway, so I might as well just do it.”

But when I took this approach in my first marriage, it only led to burnout and bitterness over time. I felt overwhelmed and that he was never helping out around the house at all. Working full-time, and running another business on the side, I couldn’t possible handle everything myself.

Sweet friend, does it really matter how the dishes get done (as long as they get clean)?
Or which way the toilet paper roll is facing? Or how the towels get folded? Or how his shirts are hung? Or that he left his socks/shoes/coat/shirt/whatever article of clothing in the middle of the living room again? No. None of that really matters.

A good litmus test for things that really matter is to ask yourself, “Is this going to matter in 5 years?” If the answer is no, then it doesn’t matter now. Let it go.

But fighting, criticizing and complaining about everything now, can and will absolutely effect what the atmosphere of your relationship and your home is like in 5 years.
Please trust me, it is so not worth it in the long run.

The sweetest reminder I ever had of this lesson was a dear friend of mine talking about her late husband. She said she remembered all the times she used to nag him and complain every time he left his socks out somewhere around the house and she had to pick them up. Now that he was gone, she would look around her empty house and wish she still had socks to pick up. That he was still there to leave socks around.
“What a silly thing to complain about,” she told us in reflection.

be selective in your battles After learning this the hard way in my first marriage, there are countless, needless arguments I have prevented in my marriage with Barry. Even if he has criticized me about something that doesn’t matter or said something I interpreted as hurtful, I have learned not to react because I know it will only start a fight.

And our home is much more peaceful and stress-free because I learned this practice.

Am I perfect at this? Ha! HARDLY! There are still times I find myself in the middle is rattling off about something he did (or didn’t do) before I catch myself and realize, why did I even start this?

And sometimes I sneak into the kitchen and rearrange some things to fit more in the dishwasher before pressing start! 😉 (shhh, don’t tell him.)

The second lesson I learned is: There’s a time and a place for everything.

Given all I just said, there are certainly things in your marriage that require you to speak up: how the finances are being handled, how children are being parented, how work around the house is being distributed, how and how much time is being spent outside the home, etc.

Listen to me closely: how and when you bring these things up is WAY more important than the issue itself. Bringing things up at the wrong time and/or in the wrong tone, can cause the exact same reaction as fighting too much or about things that don’t matter.

And by the time you’re shouting insults at each other, your husband has not only not gotten your point, the same behavior or issue will likely continue.

If you’re husband is tired, or grumpy, or stressed, just wait a little bit. (I know this is not easy because as women when we are stewing about something, we want to get it out and handled right then and there!) But I promise, the message will be much better received and effective if you wait until he is in a more favorable and relaxed mood.

Sometimes that may even mean waiting until tomorrow. :-S
I know you’ve been told never to go to bed angry, but unless you want to go to bed even more angry, and after a fight, take my advice and give it a little time.

You May Have To If Barry says something to me that’s hurtful, I try not to react in that moment, taking the bait to start an argument. But if it’s still bothering me a day or two later and we’re in a good place, I might say, “Hey, the other night you said this to me and that hurt. That’s something I’m self conscious about….”

Most of the time he doesn’t realize he said it, or he didn’t mean it the way I took it, or, if he did, he didn’t realize the way it effected me. He apologizes and makes a cognizant effort not to say that again. (And I do the same for him when he mentions something to me).

But if my first husband ever said something to me I interpreted as hurtful, I immediately retorted back with a flaw or downfall of his, to make myself feel better in the moment. Except all that tactic resulted in was both of us being hurt and likely finding ourselves in an escalating argument.

Let’s talk about place. Never, ever, ever criticize or complain at/about your husband in front of other people (including family). Unless you are deliberately trying to obliterate his self-image and cause him to shut down. Because that is what will happen, even if it is delayed.

“There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.” Stormie Omartian says in the opening chapter of her book The Power of a Praying Wife. “Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that is not always easy.”

There is so much power in just biting your tongue. I’ve found I make a lot greater impact with the things I don’t say in my marriage than with the things I do.

The same goes for Barry. I know I’m not perfect, there are things I’m still working on every day. And the last thing I need is to be reminded of them by the person who is supposed to have my back, facing the world with me.

You guys will have plenty of external battles to fight throughout your life, it’s way easier if you are fighting them together. Instead of going into battle alone and exhausted because you just spent all night waging war at home.

When in doubt, Omartian says she has learned to just “shut up and pray”.

Lord, show us when to speak up and when to choose our battles wisely and keep silent. Amen.