A Pressure-Cooked Reminder

It’s funny, in the last few weeks there have been so many things going on in our life – MAJOR life changes: my husband quit his job and now works from home, I started a professional speaking career outside my current job, my editor got back to me with all the changes I need to approve in my book, we bought a house….. It’s been overwhelming. I’ve been overwhelmed. Stressed to the max- I can feel it in my body (and so can my chiropractor!)

Naturally with all that going on, tension has run high in our home. My husband and I have been bickering and even arguing a lot, which is rare for us. And this only adds to the stress and exhaustion. I started to think, it’s been a while since we’ve really focused on working on our marriage, we’re coming up on 2 years, maybe we need to go to a refresher course or a retreat.

I was aware, in all the stress and busyness, my time reading and praying with the Lord has suffered as well. It’s been almost non-existent. I keep telling myself I’ll get back in my routine once things slow down. And then it hit me: I don’t need a refresher with my husband to ease the tension in my marriage right now (although there certainly is a time and place for that), what I need is a refresher with the Lord! I realized in my stress I let my focus shift to “what’s wrong with us” right now instead of “what’s wrong with me and how do I fix that?” I was looking to my husband to take all that stress and pressure off me, which is too big a task for his human ability.

Every time I sneak away for some time alone with my prayer journal, things seem less overwhelming and I let my husband off the hook.

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Amazing Amazing Grace

“The thing I find most amazing about amazing grace is the chance to give it out;
Maybe that’s what love is all about.” – I’m Not Who I Was, Brandon Heath

This past week, I ran across the poetry and memoirs I wrote during the whirlwind five month romance that lasted from the day we met, to the day I married, my ex-husband.

It was ironic, and a little heartbreaking to read.

What I wrote most about was all the good things I saw in him and how bright our predestined future together was. I wrote about seeing him through God’s eyes, the way He had created him, and all the things he was called to do with his life.

But after we were married, once the routine, stress and pressure of everyday reality hit: bills, jobs, stress, in-laws, holidays, the piles of dirty laundry, and dishes left all over the house…. My own natural eyesight came back into focus. All I could think day after day was how different he was than before, and how our whirlwind romance was nothing like it was. How I no longer felt in love.

And, from everything I had read in relationship books, I knew it was my husband’s responsibility to keep up with the expectations he had set while we were dating, to satisfy my every dream and desire, to make me happy every day, to fill my love tank, to not step on my air hose, show me affection, chase after me, and resolve conflicts… It was his job to make me feel loved.

I tried guilting him in to loving me, threatening him, belittling him, challenging him, counseling him, and loving him into loving me. None of that worked. I even prayed to God to change him, to make him want to love and fight for me.

You May Have To(1) And when he didn’t, hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment set in. Criticism raged, and in time, I was disgusted by him. Instead of seeing his potential, I only felt contempt when I looked at who I saw. (It’s funny… I never really stopped to ask God what I could do to change the situation, because I knew, clearly, it was all his fault.) Eventually, all of this surmounted into hopelessness – about our marriage, about our future. I couldn’t see any way it would ever get better.

It’s easy when we’re in the “feel-good” phase of romantic love, to see all the good qualities in our spouses, to see them through God’s eyes. To see their potential, and all the good they have on the inside. But, when everyday life hits, how quickly all we can see are their flaws, their annoying habits, their broken-promises, how far they still are from that future person they were created to be.

Oh how that breaks my heart to think about how foolish I was.

It was not my ex-husband’s job to make me happy or satisfied, any more than it is my husband’s job now.

He can’t, really. Not fully anyway. No matter how badly he wants to or even how hard he tries. He can never truly fulfill all the things my heart and soul desire in a relationship. Ever.

There is only One Person who can ever do that.
This isn’t a self-help article – I’m not talking about finding zen and happiness on your own. Although that’s where the responsibility starts and lies – it’s up to YOU (and me) to seek fulfillment and wholeness and satisfaction and joy from the only One who can ever provide all of that for us – in any lasting capacity.

Jesus Christ.

I had been preached to my whole life growing up in church and youth group, “You have to keep Jesus at the center of your relationship for it to really work”. But no one ever took the time to explain to me what the hell that actually meant or looked like in real life.

If you’re in that same boat, allow me to shed some light on this for you now, based on what I’ve learned and am still learning:

While preparing for my remarriage, God showed me all the times I fall short from that picture He has of me, and the times I hurt and disappoint Him. Once I realized, I wasn’t really so perfect either, it made it a lot easier for me to cut someone else some slack when they don’t live up to my expectations.

In fact, I kind of learned to let go of expectations all together.

I learned that if I take the time to seek relationship with Jesus every day, to connect with Him regularly – through prayer, through reading scripture (to learn more about his character) through reading books about Him, then I find my happiness and fulfillment there, in that relationship. And that takes pressure off Barry.

Jesus literally fills me up – with love, with grace, with patience – so that I even have anything to give back to my husband.

And in our time together, Jesus is constantly renewing my vision to see Barry the way He sees him. I can look with fresh eyes and see – not the way he’s acting that day, or the way he’s making me feel – but all those things God has planted inside him that I get the privilege of watching come to fruition. I see the ways he’s trying rather than the fact he’s not there yet.

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When Barry hurts me or makes me angry, if I take it to God first – He bandages me up, from the inside out – and then I can go back to Barry healed and whole and able to continue to give him the love and respect he needs, rather than the bitterness or contempt I feel like showing him.

And I know that’s waaaaaaay easier said than done. I don’t always feel like going to God first about something, sometimes I’d rather pout or stew about it for a while. But every time I find myself slipping back into disappointment, I check myself and remember the AMAZING grace I’ve been given, that I don’t deserve. And I find the strength and desire to pass that gift along to my husband.

And here’s the BEST part: once you take those expectations off your spouse – to be “your everything” (something that is humanly impossible for them to do) then they are freed up to love you in the ways they can, and it’s all just icing on the cake!

Reminder…

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The moment you realize that, the pressure is off. Of both of you.
It’s not a one time decision though, you have to keep reminding yourself.

Your Fickle Heart

If you spend your whole dating career making decisions based on “following your heart”, what are you going to do after you get married and you and your spouse go into a [temporary] funk (because it’s going to happen), and your “heart” tells you your in love with someone else?

Are you still going to follow your heart then? Does your heart supersede your vows? Then why bother even making them?

No. You’ve got to figure out how to base your decisions outside of something as fickle as your heart.

And trust me, you want to figure this out before you get married.

The List

When I was 16, some well-meaning mentors of mine recommended I make a list of the things I absolutely wanted in my husband, from physical attributes to character traits. Four typed pages and 160 bullet points later, I had what a “perfect spouse” looked like to me down on paper. Things like: 2-5 years older than me, 5’8” to 6’2” tall, dark and moderately-short styled hair, nice abs, no visible tattoos or piercings, strong Christian example & leader (or striving to become), passionate with a clear, concise dream/goal/calling, makes me laugh, takes me on picnics, notices & remembers “the little things”…. you get the point. Some valid, some negligible, some ridiculously adolescent.

The good that came from this exercise is it made it very easy for me to date, as soon as I would see something in someone that was a non-negotiable on my list, I would walk away from them before I got emotionally attached or invested.
They didn’t make it through the filter, I told myself.

The negative part of this exercise was that I trained myself to see the imperfections in every potential suitor I met, without considering my own short-comings. And to keep seeking a fallacy who didn’t exist.

“In the history of the universe, there has been only one perfect person. He remained single all his life and died young. The rest of us are imperfect creatures, deeply flawed, struggling to find our way through the complex maze of relationships and choices we encounter. We make mistakes, we learn and grow, we adapt and move on.” Dave & Lisa Frisbie begin their book, “Happily Remarried” with this poignant thought.

My husband and I chose to open our wedding ceremony with the same quote because it is such a paradigm shift on how to look for a marriage partner. When you begin with this foundational building block in mind – that we are all flawed – then you seek a spouse and maintain your relationship with an unprecedented level of grace. Knowing that no one is going to be perfect, when your partner misses the mark, it’s ok. It does not mean they are defect and you must now walk away, or if already married, live with the miserable knowledge that you chose the “wrong one”.

Author Stormie Omartian offers some additional advice on this, “I think if I could help a new wife in any area, it would be to discourage her from coming into her marriage with a big list of expectations and then being upset when her husband doesn’t live up to them. Of course there are some basics that should be agreed upon before the wedding date such as fidelity, financial support, honesty, kindness, basic decency, high moral standards, physical and emotional love and protection. When you don’t get those things, you can ask for them. When you still don’t get them, you can pray for them. But when it comes to specifics, you can’t require one person to meet all of your needs. The pressure to do that and fulfill your dreams at the same time can be overwhelming to a man.

If we try to control our husbands by having a big list for them to live up to and then are angry and disappointed when they can’t, we are the ones in error.”

In “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”, Les & Leslie Parrott quote a divorce attorney who once told them, the number-one reason two people split up is because they “refuse to admit they are married to a human being.”

“In every marriage, mutual hope gives way to mutual disillusionment the moment you realize your partner is not the perfect person you thought you married. But then again, he can’t be. No human being can fill our idealized dreams. A let down is inevitable,” the couple says.

The remedy for all of this is keeping the right expectations going in to marriage. But don’t take my word for it, I’m not the expert. I recommend delving further into the methods and advice these authors recommend in their books. You can never be too prepared for marriage.

To put the gravity of this in perspective, here’s the Introduction to “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”:

“In the 1930s, one out of seven marriages ended in divorce. In the 1960s, it was one out of four. Of the 2.4 million couples who will get married this year in the United States, it is predicted that at least 43 percent will not survive. For too many couples, marriage has become ‘till divorce do us part’.

Every couple marrying today is at risk. More than two-hundred thousand new marriages each year end prior to the couple’s second anniversary. After they toss the bouquet and return the tuxedos, couples often assume they’re headed for marital bliss. But a study of those who recently tied the knot revealed that 49 percent reported having serious marital problems. Half were already having doubts about whether their marriage would last.

The truth is, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. The $50-billion-a-year wedding industry can testify to that fact. ….More than one million copies of bridal magazines are sold each month, focusing mainly on wedding ceremonies, honeymoons, and home furnishings – but not on marriage itself.”

Here’s a more beneficial list for preparing yourself for marriage. The most helpful books I’ve read on the topic so far:

“Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” by Les & Leslie Parrott (there is also a 2nd marriage version)
“Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” by Gary Chapman
“Love & Respect” by Dr. Emmerson Eggrichs
“Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
“His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
“Captivating” by Stasi Eldridge (the men’s counterpart to this is “Wild at Heart”)
“Happily Remarried” by David & Lisa Frisbie
“Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage” by Kenneth Hagin
“Second Marriage” by Richard B, Stuart
“The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian
“Men Are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrell
“The Invisible Bond” by Barbara Wilson
“1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” by Monica Leahy (this is fun to use on date nights and talk through together)

A Word of Caution to the Girls Like Me

This is for the girls with Incredible Fathers. I know it’s hard to imagine this blessing would require a word of caution, but bear with me…

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My father has exemplified what it means to be a Christian man, husband, brother, son and father every day of my life. I have never seen him waver. The strength and conviction of his character inspires those around him to be better themselves.

I have watched him lead our immediate (and extended family at times) spiritually. I have seen him confidently assume leadership roles in church my whole life.

He is always smiling and laughing. His countenance affects joy in every person he encounters. You just feel better after being around my father.

His love is unconditional.

Even when I have done things to disappoint him. He loved me enough to discipline me when I was younger, but would always hold me in his arms while I cried afterwards. Still today when I miss the mark, he wraps me in his arms and tells me, “it’s ok,” he still loves me anyway.

My father has a servant’s heart and is a true gentleman. He is always the first to open a door, lift heavy things, fix any and everything for anyone, give someone a ride, deliver a meal, and sow money generously. I have seen him go out of his way at his inconvenience to help people in need, pray for and with people, visit people in the hospital, deliver communion to people who were shut in, minister to hurting souls and baptize those in need. He truly loves people with all his heart.

I have never had to look past my father for an example. And I pray that I can emulate his example to the people in my life.
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My father has tried every day of my existence to show me the Love of our Heavenly Father. And he has succeeded, as much as humanly possible. It is so easy for me to read about the character of God and believe it because I have lived with a glimpse of it my whole life here on earth.

I would say I’m biased, but anyone who has ever met my father knows every word of this is true. I have had multiple people reach out to me to tell me what my father has done for them and meant to them.

I know his brothers are more of the same and I am so fortunate to call the Pennington men my family.

I am blessed beyond measure to call Donald my Daddy.

With such an incredible example and standard of what a “real man” should be in my life, sometimes it’s easy for me to expect too much from other men. I remember the times I shouted at my ex-husband for not doing something the way my father would, or doing something he would never.

I will never forget the advice my mom gave me once when I was comparing him to what a “real man” should be….. she sweetly reminded me that my father has had a lot more practice at being a great man. He spent his whole life becoming “mister perfect”; that he didn’t start out that way, and it’s not really fair to expect that from a newlywed husband.

(And what wisdom from a woman who spent her whole life covering any faults my father may have had from her children, guarding his reputation, so we always had the best perspective of our father! She knew you can’t follow someone you don’t respect.)

It was a lesson I didn’t take enough to heart at the time, but one I will never forget.

This is not about “settling” for someone, it’s about acknowledging that you are both flawed individuals who need grace. With my husband now, I try to live with much more patience and grace, and the sweet expectancy that one day my child will get to experience having a father like my own!

But this will ONLY happen if I continue to help draw that out of him by loving and respecting him unconditionally, just as he is, at every step of the way. Not by letting him know all the ways he doesn’t measure up to Donald.