Dear 21 Year Old Self…

060107 129 Twelve years ago – on this very day (as Shutterfly so aptly reminded me) – I was saying “I do” for the first time in my life.

I was young, naïve, blissfully ignorant…. And so, so, so misinformed.

I meant the words I said with all of my 21-year-old heart, but I was ill-equipped to fulfill them.

I was short-tempered, self-righteous, and lacked any understanding of the word Grace whatsoever.

The bigger problem was my mountain of unrealistic expectations. I was expecting marriage to fulfill me. My husband to complete me. And thought we would live happily-ever-after day-after-day.

I read recently that, “Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen.”

I did not hide my disappointment in my first husband.

Soon, disappointment led to disenchantment. Then to disdain and disgust. Which eventually led to the most gut-wrenching D-word of all: Divorce. And that led to months and years of darkness and depression. 20190607_210309

But tonight, 12 years later, I’m sitting on my deck watching the sunset, listening to my husband chipping golfballs in our backyard. My life has been totally redeemed.

If I could go back and talk to the girl in this photo, I would explain that marriage is not so much about who you are married to, but how you are in the marriage.

This marriage is honestly not terribly different than the last.

My husband still does things that annoy me, sometimes forgets things, or breaks a promise… we disagree, argue and sometimes even shout at each other.

My marriage is imperfect. My husband is imperfect.

Unfortunately, it took my entire life falling apart to realize that so am I.

But the breaking of me made way for the best of me in its place.

A friend recently asked me if I knew what I knew now, could I have made my first marriage work? My answer was yes, but, I wouldn’t know what I know now had I not gone through my first marriage failing.

I had to be humbled. Today, I am patient and kind (on my good days!), but most of all, I am full of grace.

I know the last time my husband and I argued, will not be the last time we argue. I know the last time he broke a promise, will not be the last time he breaks a promise. Or the last time he hurt me will be the last time he hurts me.

But I have done those things too. And I will do them again. At times, I take him for granted, and often don’t speak to him in a polite tone.

I have a limitless supply of grace for him and he does for me.

I would tell the young girl in the white dress that grace – not love, as we were sold – is the most important part of making a marriage work.

There is an indescribable peace that comes with knowing that despite your imperfections – even at your ugliest, even when you don’t deserve it – the other person is never giving up on you.

This is exactly how Jesus love us.

And giving that peace to another human being is what walking out a lifetime of real love looks like.

Jesus with Skin on

Earlier this Spring, my husband took a group of high school guys to an event our church coordinates called “MAN CAMP“. He left Friday morning before I woke up, so when I came into the kitchen to fix myself breakfast, I found a note waiting for me.

It started with “Morning Rach! A few things…” and I felt myself bristle. I expected it to be a list of things he wanted me to do/take care of while he was gone.

Because that’s the kind of note I would have left him.

In fact, I had been leaving him lots of notes like that lately, because in my opinion, he had been increasingly pulling less and less of his weight around the house, leaving things undone that I had to pick up the slack on, or remind him about for the 400th time. I constantly noticed things he was not doing more than the things he was, and found myself brewing about broken promises and bad habits – past or present – with increasing frequency.

He would be the first to tell you, not all of my thoughts and feelings were unmerited. But, they were taking over the driver’s seat of my mind and the climate of our marriage.

If I’m being totally honest, I have actually been quite an A-hole to my husband as of late. My tone with him is sharp, bitter, and often cutting, even when I don’t intend for it to be.

And, what I let come out of my mouth pales in comparison to the thoughts that have been occupying my mind more often than not.

I’ve found myself feeling disgusted, bordering on contempt. Even though I don’t want to feel this way.

But as I read through the rest of his note, instead of to-do’s, it was a bulleted list of a love letter:

I love you unconditionally with all my heart.
I hope you are feeling much better this morning.
I appreciate you.
I miss you already.
Enjoy your weekend with the girls.
Thanks for being you. For your joyful spirit, youthful zest for life, infectious laughter (it makes me smile to hear you laugh), your heart for God that is full of all the loves, your grace and kindness, and for choosing me to live life with.

As tears filled my eyes, my gut twisted with guilt and I thought:

how on earth can he still think these things about me?

This is the guy who sees me at my worst. At my most disgusting, my least people-skilled. I have been wretched to him at times.

Then I thought, if he even remotely had a glimpse inside my thoughts about him lately, there’s no way he would have written these things.

And suddenly, I was awash with the revelation of Jesus’ love and grace – all over again.

He whispered in my heart, I know about ALL your thoughts, and I still love you like that.

My husband, in that moment, was a very real Jesus-with-skin-on to me.

Have you ever heard that term? I remember when a friend of mine told me her husband had been Jesus-with-skin-on to her early in their dating, while she was still recovering from her divorce and struggling to trust again. It was such a clear picture of behavior, and the image stuck in my brain. But I don’t think I had ever experienced it so evidently in my own life until the very moment I was holding that note.

Have you ever experienced that type of love?

That same week, I started a new devotional by Mark & Jill Savage called “10 Days to a Better Marriage” (it’s an excerpt from their book, “No More Perfect Marriages“). And Day 5 slapped me right in the face that weekend as the authors wrote about using the “tool of the Grace Space” with your spouse. Read what I did:

Grace is a free gift from God. Because of Jesus, we deserve punishment but we get mercy instead. It’s an upside-down response to what we deserve. God gives us grace because of who He is. We don’t earn it. We don’t even deserve it.

…Grace Space happens when we allow another person to be human, to make mistakes, to be imperfect and to have their own indiosyncrasies.

Grace is a first cousin of forgiveness. We use this tool when dealing with the harmless habits that bug us but don’t really hurt us. Like coffee [stains]. Or leaving the lights on. Or leaving the toilet seat up. Or when our spouse does things differently than we would.

When thinking through whether something needs forgiveness or grace, ask yourself these two questions:

Does this hurt me or just irritate me?
Does this need to be corrected or simply accepted as part of being married to an imperfect person?

Grace is a beautiful gift to give our spouse, especially if he/she is aware of places where he/she falls short or has bad habits. Grace replaces criticism. Even if he/she isn’t aware of their shortcomings, you can use your tool of grace.

Next time you’re tempted to criticize, stop and pull grace out of your marriage toolbox. Ask yourself if this is an offense or an irritation. If it’s an offense, offer forgiveness before you address it, and if it’s simply bumping into your spouses human limitations [or imperfections], offer grace.

Ouch.

I had been doing the exact opposite of all of this. I was letting myself get offended over immaterial irritations. That certainly was a wake-up call.

I had forgotten the things I already learned – and even written about in my own book! I felt like a total hypocrite.

I had let myself get to a place where I was letting Barry’s actions – or inactions – affect my mood and determine my behavior, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt and extending grace for his shortcomings.

I felt shameful for getting this so wrong, while my husband was obviously walking this out so well for me.

But, I was so glad for the revelation and reminders.

Our next date night, I brought up his note, and the things I had been learning. I apologized for being focused on the wrong things and let him know how he had shown Jesus to me. He told me he knew what had been inside my head, as I wasn’t very good at hiding it on my face. There was a lot of crying. And freedom. And a sense of cleansing and refreshing.

Have I totally fixed my thoughts since then? No. Have I gotten better and do I catch myself going down that road quicker? Yes.

It is, and will continue to be a process. A daily decision to pull out my God-tool of Grace, rather than giving Barry the reaction he “deserves” from me. I don’t deserve the amount of patience I get from God (or my husband), as I figure all this marriage stuff out, but I have an endless supply. And so do you.

“No marriage crumbles in a day. It’s a drift of one centimeter to another, one feeling or one decision that leads to another feeling or decision that’s a little off-center.
If left unaddressed, those things will draw us away from each other instead of toward each other, creating a fade of feelings.” – Mark & Jill Savage

God Will Never Give You Someone Else’s Husband

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A friend of mine recently posted this image on Facebook and I was torn by it. While I wholeheartedly agree with its truthful message, I was a little jarred by its delivery.

In my past life, I would have reposted the image with hearty agreement, and all the judgment and condemnation I could muster to go along with it.

(Note: I’m not criticizing the poster for posting. I don’t know her story. Maybe there’s a woman pursuing her husband right now, and these words are coming from a fragile, threatened heart? I’m just saying in my past life, I would have clicked “post” from a place of self-righteous pride.)

But for me today, my heart is much more compassionate to the people who find themselves in these fallen relationships. I’m not justifying their actions or behavior, it’s wrong. But I understand it.

While I was married to my first husband, I had an affair.

Well, more than one actually if you count emotional affairs – which you should – because an affair is an affair. Anytime you give any part of yourself to someone else other than your spouse, you’re having an affair. My husband had affairs too. We were both so longing for the things missing in our marriage, we desperately sought to find them outside of it.

This isn’t something that I have ever talked about on social media, but if you’ve read my book “Now What?” then you already know.

My husband and I tried to fix our marriage at first but eventually it just became easier to get what we were looking for from someone else rather than from one another.

During that time, I convinced myself that God wanted me to be happy (not miserable like I was in my marriage) and this new person was who I had been waiting for all along. I reasoned that I had made a mistake in marrying my first husband and now God was making it right by blessing me with this new, perfect person.

In my moments of clarity, I would have thoughts like, Rachel don’t be an idiot, God wouldn’t give you someone else’s husband. That man isn’t yours to have. But what I’ve found about people contemplating or going through an affair, is that their moments of mental clarity are starkly fewer and far in between their moments of mental disorientation.

When you’re involved in an affair, you effectively take your brain out of your head, put it in a box, and slide it under your bed for a while.

You can’t think straight because you’re emotions are overpowering your logic and reason. Your hurt, your desires, the unmet, unfulfilled longings in the deepest part of your heart and soul are steering your decision making. You will literally do, think, and say anything to obtain what you think you are missing, the things you think are going to make you feel better – without considering any of the consequences. You imagine this person/relationship and all that comes with them is going to fix your problems and your pain, that they will fill up those gaping holes inside your heart.

But none of that is true.

Now don’t get me wrong, what you get from an affair, of course, is fun and exciting and fulfilling – utterly exhilarating, actually….

…for a very short period of time.

Eventually, the facade crumbles.

And, just like every other relationship you’ve ever been in, the honeymoon ends. That’s when you realize what you’re stuck with and what you’ve done and all the havoc you’ve wreaked. You can suddenly see clearly how much hurt and pain you’ve caused, not only in your own life and family, but in another family’s life and potentially, in the lives of everyone around you.

Listen to me: I PROMISE you the fleeting moments of temporary pleasure and ecstasy are nowhere near the weight of the long-term effects that an affair brings.

This is a tough topic for me to address because I know what this mental state is like. It’s like a heavy cloud of total fog; deception.

I know the crushing pain and disappointment and betrayal of a broken marriage is so real, that you will reach and claw and grasp for anything to try to numb and medicate that pain.

Since going through my own, I have had friends who have confided in me they are walking down the road of an affair. And while I’m glad they feel comfortable telling me – this is a totally judgment-free zone – I try to warn them it won’t be worth it.

But that isn’t something that you can even hear when you’re in that place. You can only figure it out for yourself. So it feels like a futile effort. What’s the point of even talking about it if I can’t open their eyes or change their minds?

One friend, who was having an affair with a married man, like I did, came to me in hopeful bliss. She talked about how her marriage had been dead for a while and told me about all her future plans with this new lover.

I desperately wanted to save her from the heartache I knew was in store for her. I assured her she would just end up alone and even more heartbroken.

“I’ve been there and done this, please believe me. Please use my experience as your lesson: This doesn’t work out for you, you don’t win, you do not get the guy. The married man never actually leaves his wife, no matter how many times he promises to.” I continued, “I get it. I know it feels good and right and blissful, like the most exciting thing in the world! But the aftermath, the amount of hurt and shame and regret that you will live with for years, is NOT worth it.”

Of course she didn’t listen.

She continued head-first into the affair, and when the guy continually made excuse after excuse for why he wasn’t leaving his wife “yet”, she eventually ended up with her heart broken.

So this is why I’m so torn, because I know I can’t stop the people in that place, on that brink, and it feels useless to even try. Why even bother?

You simply can’t know that it’s not worth it until you’ve experienced it for yourself.

Like trying to warn a toddler, “Don’t touch, it’s hot!” Does any toddler ever actually listen to that? (I’m not a parent, so I don’t know) But I feel like the answer is “No”. They have to touch it for themselves and get burned at least once, before they will learn and never do it again.

What’s more, I don’t even know what advice or consolation to offer you if you’re in that dark, lonely, hurting place in your marriage, because my marriage did not have a happy ending. We got a divorce. I am remarried to a totally different man.

I can recommend incredible marriage books and resources that could help you, but I only used these things as weapons against my first husband, they were not helpful for us.

I could tell you to seek marriage counseling, because I’m a big advocate for therapy, but, my ex-husband and I went to a year of marriage counseling and we still ended up divorced. So that’s not the silver bullet solution either.

Sometimes the idea of trying to help just feels overwhelming to me, like a lost cause. I just want to hug you and whisper to you, “I get it,” while you cry.

What I can tell you is that I am a completely different person now. I still deal with a lot of the same frustrations and issues in my second marriage that I did in my first marriage, but my perspective on them, on my husband, and on marriage in general, is entirely different than it was 10 years ago.

Before saying “I do” the second time around, I discovered I had an entire brain full of unhealthy expectations of what I “should” be getting from marriage and a marriage partner, and once I dumped those out and replaced them with right, healthy expectations, marriage got a whole lot easier for me. (And would be, no matter who I was married to.)

You see, no one human being is ever going to make you happy or fix your pain and problems. (Even though that’s the bill of goods you’ve been sold your whole life.)

It’s an impossibility. That’s not even what marriage is for or about. And once you stop looking to a person to do that for you, marriage becomes much simpler and enjoyable. Once you find a way to fill that emptiness outside of a human being, your disappointment in them dissipates. (Spoiler alert: I found out I could only be truly fulfilled through my relationship with God.)

There’s a lot more to this conversation, and there’s not enough room in this blog post for it. The entire 7th chapter of my book, “Now What?” is dedicated to everything I learned on my journey to remarriage. I recommend you grab a copy and flip to there if you are having, or have had an affair, or, you find yourself in a place of bitterness, resentment or discontent in your marriage currently.

Having had an affair is not something I’m proud of, and is not particularly comfortable to talk about. But I have found talking about the messy parts of my life makes people with similar stories feel not alone and gives them permission to share the messy stuff in their lives.

So…I don’t know if this blog will keep another person from having an affair, or save a family, or save a marriage, but if it does then it will all be worth it.

And PS, I’m here if you need to talk.

11 Love Songs for the Lonely

I remember the first time I went grocery shopping alone as my marriage was disintegrating. Grocery shopping was something we had always done together.

I was walking the aisles feeling pretty sorry for myself already when suddenly the PA system starts playing some 98 Degrees love song that sparked a memory of the beginning of our relationship. The season of it that was white-hot and whirlwind and so certainly God-and-cosmic-universe-ordained. The part of our relationship that was nothing like what it was now. The part when I could have never imagined I would ever be grocery shopping alone again for the rest of my life. But here I was.

I absolutely lost it in right in aisle 9. Right there between the butternut squash and the Bandaids was my utterly broken heart on display for the whole store to see.

Nick Lachey’s words only pointed out the stark difference of the fairytale I had signed up for and the reality in which I currently stood. In those lyrics were broken dreams and unfulfilled longings and the end of life as I knew it. It felt like my whole chest was being torn open with every new stanza.

That’s how powerful music is. It stirs memories and emotions and dreams and desires. It validates and magnifies the things we already feel, or long to feel.

You are likely being inundated with love songs this week as the clocks draws nearer to striking February 14^th.

For those of you in that dizzying, blissful, infatuated “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you are elated. Those of us who find ourselves in a good, healthy, solid place relationally will be pleasantly satisfied and reassured. But, for anyone who is walking the grocery aisle alone for the first time or for the first time in a long time, this post is for you.

Using the powerful tool that music is, I want to make you a Valentine’s Day playlist. I’m titling it, “Love Songs from A Father” and it’s filled with lyrics that let me know how loved and held and treasured and valued I was when that was the furthest from what I felt.

Take a listen and rest this week in The Arms of the One who will never, ever, ever let you go:

Want More? My Book, “Now What? A Story of Broken Dreams and the God Who Restores Them” tells more of the story from the fallout season of my divorce, and also includes a “Now What? Moment” playlist that helped me through that season.

5 Things to Remember if You’re Feeling Less-than-Loved

Love.

That’s the theme of the entire month of February.

But for upwards of 50% of the population of the U.S., that’s not a theme worth celebrating. This month only serves as a painful reminder of heartaches and disenchantment from the Disney fairy-tale dream they were promised by today’s culture.

My divorce papers were served to me in February of 2011. I was 25. And I found myself crying out, “Now What?” from the hopeless pit of despair in which I sat. Many of you reading these words right now will be sitting in that same place as this February 14^th rolls around. For you, it’s more like Singles Awareness Day. And my heart aches for you.

My desire is to bring you some Hope to replace your Hopelessness in this season.
First and foremost, please know you are not alone.

The hardest part of going through a divorce – or even a bad breakup – is how isolated you

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feel. Like you are the only person going through this. You are the only person who has thought the things you’re thinking or felt the feelings you’re feeling. But you’re not. As I travel around the country, the more people who open up and tell me their stories, the more I realize there is always someone who has been through, or is currently going through exactly what you are going through.

The most comforting words you can hear when going through a struggle are “me too”.

It wasn’t until I read stories of other people who had been through divorce that I could feel like, ok, I’m not alone and I’m not crazy.

We also have a Father who promises never to leave or forsake us. I understand, when you’re at your lowest, how easy it is to feel abandoned by Him. But I learned firsthand how untrue that was when I was in my rock bottom a few years ago. You can read the story in my book, “Now What? A Story of Broken Dreams and the God Who Restores Them”
Secondly, keep reminding yourself your story isn’t over yet. You may be having dinner at home by yourself this Valentine’s Day, but it won’t be like this every year for the rest of your life.

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I get it. It’s really, really hard when we go through a season of loneliness, loss, or grief to believe the heartache we feel will ever end. It’s difficult to see past our present circumstances and see how things could ever get better – especially when blissfully happy couples are being paraded in front of you on every TV commercial and magazine cover all month long. For a couple years, even hearing couples vow “till death do us part” at weddings only made me roll my eyes. But things will get better, I promise.

One day you will look back and see that this was just a season. Grief is always just a season. Let that season last as long as you want or need it too, but in your moments of clarity, remind yourself it is just a season. It will come to an end. Even though it feels like it won’t right now.

I recently heard a speaker say, “Whatever you’re going through will one day just be a sentence. A single sentence. Right now the situation may be consuming your life. But one day it will just be a sentence.”

For me it’s: “I was married previously.” Even though that was a four to five year fallout in my life…. Today it’s just a sentence.

What you’re going through right now does not have to define the rest of your life.

Maybe you ruined your marriage. You can pinpoint the exact reason(s) it ended, and blame them on yourself. I’ve been there.

In their book “Happily Remarried” David and Lisa Frisbee say this, “As we work with women who have experienced the end of a marriage, one of the most common themes that emerges is a profound sense of personal failure. Remarkably, even when a woman ascribes most of the blame to her ex-husband, she still manages to internalize a strong sense of shame and regret over her own shortcomings. This can be true even in cases where the wife has been abandoned by a straying husband or deserted by an irresponsible one.”

Friend, I’m here to tell you, even if you are failing or have failed miserably in your marriage, you can learn from your mistakes and have the type of relationship you desire in the future. The key is learning from your mistakes, not repeating them over and over. Running from relationship to relationship just so you can avoid being single is not a recipe for success. (Trust me, I tried that!)

It sounds super cliché, but take this season of singleness to learn about yourself, who you really are, and what you really want out of life and out of a life partner before you just say “yes” to the next piece of eye candy, or the next “guy/girl who makes you laugh or feel good”.
Third, there can be purpose born out of the pain you’re experiencing right now.

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I have learned really crappy situations can turn out to be great blessings in hindsight. Our struggles make us more compassionate and empathetic (words I didn’t even previously comprehend I was so far removed from them), which allows us to help other people who will struggle similarly in the future.

I remember the first time someone told me I saved their marriage by sharing the things I learned going through my divorce and preparing for remarriage, it made all those years of crappiness a little more worth it.
Fourth, you must derail the train of negative thoughts running the tracks around your brain.

When I went through my divorce, the biggest thing I felt – even greater than heartbreak or loneliness – was like a failure. And this stream of toxic, negative thoughts overtook my thinking. “You brought this on yourself. You’re not worthy of being loved. You’re too high maintenance. You don’t bring out the best in men. Just take what you can get, be thankful you’re loved at all. You couldn’t even hold your marriage together, what makes you think you can lead or impact people?” Does any of that sound familiar?

None of these thoughts are true. They are cleverly designed lies to drive you into guilt, shame and isolation – the place you are most weak and vulnerable.

Which leads us to our fifth and final point: be intentional about surrounding yourself with a healthy support group, especially in seasons when you feel yourself pulling away. Isolation is a slippery, dangerous slope. When we are left alone with only our own thoughts, it’s easy to get trapped in unhealthy patterns of thinking and feeling.

When you least feel worthy of reaching out and asking for help that is exactly the time you need to. Call a friend, go out for coffee, or just have them come over and talk with you.

Note: There is a balance to this. There are certainly times you need to learn to sit and be comfortable in your own skin; this isn’t about using other people as a crutch until you can find yourself a new beau. It’s about realizing there is strength is asking for support and letting people – who have no other agenda than just being your friend – be a friend to you.

You may be dreading the 14^th of February as the worst day of the year, and maybe you will spend the day locked inside your house crying your eyes out, but don’t be so blinded by your tears you lose sight of the fact that ultimately you have reason to be hopeful. Your relationship status is not all that you are or all you have to live for.

best days

Every year I pick a quote to put on the front of my planner, something I want to focus on for that year, kind of like a mantra. For 2013 the quote I picked was, “Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet.” When I taped it on my calendar that January, I had no idea that by the end of those 12 months I would be engaged and remarried!

There is so much hope in that statement. So here’s the final thought I want to leave you with today: Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet either. Even if this Valentine’s Day isn’t one of them.

Order “Now What?” by Rachel Dawn

Big Brother, Don’t You See

A few weeks ago, I sat watching my niece and nephew play together. I smiled and felt a sting of pain simultaneously as I watched the way she looked at him. She never left his side; she needed to be everywhere he was, doing everything he was doing, at every moment. And to use an antiquated expression, you would think he hung the moon by the look in her eyes.

“It starts that young”, I marveled aloud to my husband.

At 20 months she already idolizes her almost 3 year old brother. I wondered at what age he would become cognizant of it, and how he would take to that responsibility – knowing little sister is always watching. I wondered if he would be loving and inclusive like he is now, or if he would be cold and dismissive and indifferent like my big brother had been to me. My eyes stung with tears as I wished so much for him to be the prior. I thought about how much that yearning to be just like him would grow and manifest in different ways as she got older. And I prayed a silent prayer she wouldn’t fall into the trap I did of needing acceptance and affirmation from the one human being who withheld it from her. I prayed she would know she is loved and wanted, even in the times Big Brother wasn’t showing it.

Later that week as that memory replayed in my mind, I started to put these words together, “Big Brother don’t you see….” I decided to sit down and write a letter to Jeremy, a lesson or reminder for him that Big Brother is a big responsibility. I knew it would be read to him now and he would not fully understand, but I imagine him pulling this letter out over the years, as he grows and his knowledge and understanding develops. As he enters different life stages, these words will take on new meaning with each reading.

I was only a few stanzas in when I found myself weeping inconsolably at my computer. I realized I was writing this letter to my 35 year old brother as much as I was to 35 month old Jeremy. I was saying all the things I wish he had known and been conscious of as we were growing up.

As I was writing, my heart broke thinking about how much pressure all this was on little Jeremy – to be all these things, to be EVERYTHING to his little sister. And I suddenly saw a piece of the puzzle I had never seen before. I saw how much pressure and unrealistic expectations I had put on my own Big Brother. I thought about how hard that must have been on him, always being on a pedestal and living in a glass house. Never having any room to make mistakes and learn without immediately feeling like a huge disappointment. And in that moment I wept for him also.

So I penned a response to the first letter for Penelope called, “Little Sister, please remember….” Things I wish I had known, and what I want Penelope to know and and be mindful of as she grows.

It’s taken me a while to settle on just the right words and I wrestled with whether or not I would share it with the world, or just them. My husband read it and was deeply moved and convicted about his relationship with his little sister, he said he thought it was a good reminder for every Big Brother (and little sister) to have. So here you go:

Big brother don’t you see?

Big brother don’t you see?
her little eyes are watching,
watching everything you do.

Big brother don’t you see?
she wants to be just like you –
always emulating –
a lifelong game of monkey see, monkey do.

Big brother don’t you see
the way she follows you around
and looks up to your example?
Your feet never touch the ground.

There’s no more super a hero,
in a cape or tights
Though she loves father,
it’s brother she longs to be just like.

So, Big Brother, you have a job to do
and I hope you do it well
with all your heart and soul
and your striving never quell.

say your prayers
and brush your teeth
mind mamma well
don’t forget your q’s & p’s.

hold her tight when she cries
when she’s scared in the night
because in those little eyes
you make everything alright.

She won’t be little long.

So love her well
and show her right,
and always be the one
to settle the fight.

When you’re older,

hold your temper
and mind your words
because everything you say
matters most to her.

Forever your sister,
A friend if you let her.
Oh Big Brother can’t you see?
There’s nothing she’d like better.

You are her whole world
her moon and her stars,
And so also the one who
can cause the deepest scars.

So let her tag along
and be a part of things
tell her she’s included
and just watch the joy it brings.

Big brother don’t you see?
That’s all it takes to show
that to brother she matters
and that’s all she needs to know.

Click Here to Read “Little Sister, Please Remember”

Speaking Life

This week a professional friend/acquaintance told me “you have one of the happiest marriages I’ve ever seen on Facebook.”

While I appreciate what he said, his comment in and of itself was a can of worms. I mean, we are all guilty of using our Social Media pages to portray the “highlight reel” of our lives – I certainly wasn’t posting a status update about the little squabble Barry and I had thirty minutes after that compliment!! But later that night I thought about what he said while I was taking a shower. Then I looked up and a reminder of why this is was literally right in front of me.

You want to know why my marriage is successful? Happy? Not perfect – but (a lot) more good days than bad?

Because these words cling to our shower wall and we read them every day, most days out loud.

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We are programming our minds with these positive thoughts and attributes DAILY. Literally, speaking life into them. Speaking each of them into manifestation in our lives.

Do you notice how they are all action phrases? Deliberate choices.

So when one of us is moody or grouchy or tired or hungry and a quarrel begins, these are the words playing louder than any other track in my mind. And it’s a lot easier to “avoid foolish and ignorant disputes” and keep my mouth shut, when I remember I already told myself I would today.

Having a happy marriage has NOTHING to do with finding “the right one” or your “soul mate”. And happy marriages don’t just fall into place effortlessly. Having a good marriage is the result of conscious, daily effort. It’s work.

It’s choosing to let the snide comment go, and ignore the annoying habit. It’s choosing to put someone else before yourself. It’s choosing not to be offended, or hold grudges, or keep a record of every misdeed. It’s choosing to see your spouse in the best light, even when that’s not really what you see at the moment. It’s choosing to interpret what they said in a positive manner – not the manner that pisses you off – because honestly, that’s probably how they meant it. It’s choosing to avoid strife.

A successful marriage, like success in almost any area of life, is really nothing more than a series of small (sometimes large, but mostly small) daily decisions. But you must decide every day.

One of those decisions is choosing what you put/program in your mind about your spouse and about your marriage. This has been a great place to start for us. You can get your own shower cling here: http://clingtoyourconfession.com/clings

(If you’re not familiar with the concept and power of Positive Confession this probably all seems really weird to you, but diving into that subject is for another day and another post. You can start with these books if you’d like to research on your own: “Hung By the Tongue: What You Say is What You Get” & “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself”)

Nothing is Ever Hopeless

I have personally experienced the deep, agonizing pain of hopelessness in a marriage.

Riding the merry-go-round of blame and shame and anger and bitterness. Being too exhausted to even try anymore. Feeling like the only solution is out. That the ONLY possible way either one of you can be happy is to leave and start over.

But please trust me, even when it feels like it is…..

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I let the hopelessness swallow me whole once. And it cost me my first marriage.

I have caught momentary glimpses of this hopelessness at times in my marriage now, but I refuse to give up. My mentality is so different now. I stay hopeful. (And pray a lot!) And a solution ALWAYS comes. A new morning, a fresh start. And my strength is renewed to fight for it once again.

If you want your marriage to work, it really can.

It won’t be easy. And it might even get worse before it gets better. But I promise it can get better.

Do not give up.

Stay.

Try.

One more day.

And then another. And then another.

Do not lose hope.

A Pressure-Cooked Reminder

It’s funny, in the last few weeks there have been so many things going on in our life – MAJOR life changes: my husband quit his job and now works from home, I started a professional speaking career outside my current job, my editor got back to me with all the changes I need to approve in my book, we bought a house….. It’s been overwhelming. I’ve been overwhelmed. Stressed to the max- I can feel it in my body (and so can my chiropractor!)

Naturally with all that going on, tension has run high in our home. My husband and I have been bickering and even arguing a lot, which is rare for us. And this only adds to the stress and exhaustion. I started to think, it’s been a while since we’ve really focused on working on our marriage, we’re coming up on 2 years, maybe we need to go to a refresher course or a retreat.

I was aware, in all the stress and busyness, my time reading and praying with the Lord has suffered as well. It’s been almost non-existent. I keep telling myself I’ll get back in my routine once things slow down. And then it hit me: I don’t need a refresher with my husband to ease the tension in my marriage right now (although there certainly is a time and place for that), what I need is a refresher with the Lord! I realized in my stress I let my focus shift to “what’s wrong with us” right now instead of “what’s wrong with me and how do I fix that?” I was looking to my husband to take all that stress and pressure off me, which is too big a task for his human ability.

Every time I sneak away for some time alone with my prayer journal, things seem less overwhelming and I let my husband off the hook.

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Amazing Amazing Grace

“The thing I find most amazing about amazing grace is the chance to give it out;
Maybe that’s what love is all about.” – I’m Not Who I Was, Brandon Heath

This past week, I ran across the poetry and memoirs I wrote during the whirlwind five month romance that lasted from the day we met, to the day I married, my ex-husband.

It was ironic, and a little heartbreaking to read.

What I wrote most about was all the good things I saw in him and how bright our predestined future together was. I wrote about seeing him through God’s eyes, the way He had created him, and all the things he was called to do with his life.

But after we were married, once the routine, stress and pressure of everyday reality hit: bills, jobs, stress, in-laws, holidays, the piles of dirty laundry, and dishes left all over the house…. My own natural eyesight came back into focus. All I could think day after day was how different he was than before, and how our whirlwind romance was nothing like it was. How I no longer felt in love.

And, from everything I had read in relationship books, I knew it was my husband’s responsibility to keep up with the expectations he had set while we were dating, to satisfy my every dream and desire, to make me happy every day, to fill my love tank, to not step on my air hose, show me affection, chase after me, and resolve conflicts… It was his job to make me feel loved.

I tried guilting him in to loving me, threatening him, belittling him, challenging him, counseling him, and loving him into loving me. None of that worked. I even prayed to God to change him, to make him want to love and fight for me.

You May Have To(1) And when he didn’t, hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment set in. Criticism raged, and in time, I was disgusted by him. Instead of seeing his potential, I only felt contempt when I looked at who I saw. (It’s funny… I never really stopped to ask God what I could do to change the situation, because I knew, clearly, it was all his fault.) Eventually, all of this surmounted into hopelessness – about our marriage, about our future. I couldn’t see any way it would ever get better.

It’s easy when we’re in the “feel-good” phase of romantic love, to see all the good qualities in our spouses, to see them through God’s eyes. To see their potential, and all the good they have on the inside. But, when everyday life hits, how quickly all we can see are their flaws, their annoying habits, their broken-promises, how far they still are from that future person they were created to be.

Oh how that breaks my heart to think about how foolish I was.

It was not my ex-husband’s job to make me happy or satisfied, any more than it is my husband’s job now.

He can’t, really. Not fully anyway. No matter how badly he wants to or even how hard he tries. He can never truly fulfill all the things my heart and soul desire in a relationship. Ever.

There is only One Person who can ever do that.
This isn’t a self-help article – I’m not talking about finding zen and happiness on your own. Although that’s where the responsibility starts and lies – it’s up to YOU (and me) to seek fulfillment and wholeness and satisfaction and joy from the only One who can ever provide all of that for us – in any lasting capacity.

Jesus Christ.

I had been preached to my whole life growing up in church and youth group, “You have to keep Jesus at the center of your relationship for it to really work”. But no one ever took the time to explain to me what the hell that actually meant or looked like in real life.

If you’re in that same boat, allow me to shed some light on this for you now, based on what I’ve learned and am still learning:

While preparing for my remarriage, God showed me all the times I fall short from that picture He has of me, and the times I hurt and disappoint Him. Once I realized, I wasn’t really so perfect either, it made it a lot easier for me to cut someone else some slack when they don’t live up to my expectations.

In fact, I kind of learned to let go of expectations all together.

I learned that if I take the time to seek relationship with Jesus every day, to connect with Him regularly – through prayer, through reading scripture (to learn more about his character) through reading books about Him, then I find my happiness and fulfillment there, in that relationship. And that takes pressure off Barry.

Jesus literally fills me up – with love, with grace, with patience – so that I even have anything to give back to my husband.

And in our time together, Jesus is constantly renewing my vision to see Barry the way He sees him. I can look with fresh eyes and see – not the way he’s acting that day, or the way he’s making me feel – but all those things God has planted inside him that I get the privilege of watching come to fruition. I see the ways he’s trying rather than the fact he’s not there yet.

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When Barry hurts me or makes me angry, if I take it to God first – He bandages me up, from the inside out – and then I can go back to Barry healed and whole and able to continue to give him the love and respect he needs, rather than the bitterness or contempt I feel like showing him.

And I know that’s waaaaaaay easier said than done. I don’t always feel like going to God first about something, sometimes I’d rather pout or stew about it for a while. But every time I find myself slipping back into disappointment, I check myself and remember the AMAZING grace I’ve been given, that I don’t deserve. And I find the strength and desire to pass that gift along to my husband.

And here’s the BEST part: once you take those expectations off your spouse – to be “your everything” (something that is humanly impossible for them to do) then they are freed up to love you in the ways they can, and it’s all just icing on the cake!