Your Fickle Heart

If you spend your whole dating career making decisions based on “following your heart”, what are you going to do after you get married and you and your spouse go into a [temporary] funk (because it’s going to happen), and your “heart” tells you your in love with someone else?

Are you still going to follow your heart then? Does your heart supersede your vows? Then why bother even making them?

No. You’ve got to figure out how to base your decisions outside of something as fickle as your heart.

And trust me, you want to figure this out before you get married.

The List

When I was 16, some well-meaning mentors of mine recommended I make a list of the things I absolutely wanted in my husband, from physical attributes to character traits. Four typed pages and 160 bullet points later, I had what a “perfect spouse” looked like to me down on paper. Things like: 2-5 years older than me, 5’8” to 6’2” tall, dark and moderately-short styled hair, nice abs, no visible tattoos or piercings, strong Christian example & leader (or striving to become), passionate with a clear, concise dream/goal/calling, makes me laugh, takes me on picnics, notices & remembers “the little things”…. you get the point. Some valid, some negligible, some ridiculously adolescent.

The good that came from this exercise is it made it very easy for me to date, as soon as I would see something in someone that was a non-negotiable on my list, I would walk away from them before I got emotionally attached or invested.
They didn’t make it through the filter, I told myself.

The negative part of this exercise was that I trained myself to see the imperfections in every potential suitor I met, without considering my own short-comings. And to keep seeking a fallacy who didn’t exist.

“In the history of the universe, there has been only one perfect person. He remained single all his life and died young. The rest of us are imperfect creatures, deeply flawed, struggling to find our way through the complex maze of relationships and choices we encounter. We make mistakes, we learn and grow, we adapt and move on.” Dave & Lisa Frisbie begin their book, “Happily Remarried” with this poignant thought.

My husband and I chose to open our wedding ceremony with the same quote because it is such a paradigm shift on how to look for a marriage partner. When you begin with this foundational building block in mind – that we are all flawed – then you seek a spouse and maintain your relationship with an unprecedented level of grace. Knowing that no one is going to be perfect, when your partner misses the mark, it’s ok. It does not mean they are defect and you must now walk away, or if already married, live with the miserable knowledge that you chose the “wrong one”.

Author Stormie Omartian offers some additional advice on this, “I think if I could help a new wife in any area, it would be to discourage her from coming into her marriage with a big list of expectations and then being upset when her husband doesn’t live up to them. Of course there are some basics that should be agreed upon before the wedding date such as fidelity, financial support, honesty, kindness, basic decency, high moral standards, physical and emotional love and protection. When you don’t get those things, you can ask for them. When you still don’t get them, you can pray for them. But when it comes to specifics, you can’t require one person to meet all of your needs. The pressure to do that and fulfill your dreams at the same time can be overwhelming to a man.

If we try to control our husbands by having a big list for them to live up to and then are angry and disappointed when they can’t, we are the ones in error.”

In “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”, Les & Leslie Parrott quote a divorce attorney who once told them, the number-one reason two people split up is because they “refuse to admit they are married to a human being.”

“In every marriage, mutual hope gives way to mutual disillusionment the moment you realize your partner is not the perfect person you thought you married. But then again, he can’t be. No human being can fill our idealized dreams. A let down is inevitable,” the couple says.

The remedy for all of this is keeping the right expectations going in to marriage. But don’t take my word for it, I’m not the expert. I recommend delving further into the methods and advice these authors recommend in their books. You can never be too prepared for marriage.

To put the gravity of this in perspective, here’s the Introduction to “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”:

“In the 1930s, one out of seven marriages ended in divorce. In the 1960s, it was one out of four. Of the 2.4 million couples who will get married this year in the United States, it is predicted that at least 43 percent will not survive. For too many couples, marriage has become ‘till divorce do us part’.

Every couple marrying today is at risk. More than two-hundred thousand new marriages each year end prior to the couple’s second anniversary. After they toss the bouquet and return the tuxedos, couples often assume they’re headed for marital bliss. But a study of those who recently tied the knot revealed that 49 percent reported having serious marital problems. Half were already having doubts about whether their marriage would last.

The truth is, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. The $50-billion-a-year wedding industry can testify to that fact. ….More than one million copies of bridal magazines are sold each month, focusing mainly on wedding ceremonies, honeymoons, and home furnishings – but not on marriage itself.”

Here’s a more beneficial list for preparing yourself for marriage. The most helpful books I’ve read on the topic so far:

“Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” by Les & Leslie Parrott (there is also a 2nd marriage version)
“Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” by Gary Chapman
“Love & Respect” by Dr. Emmerson Eggrichs
“Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
“His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
“Captivating” by Stasi Eldridge (the men’s counterpart to this is “Wild at Heart”)
“Happily Remarried” by David & Lisa Frisbie
“Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage” by Kenneth Hagin
“Second Marriage” by Richard B, Stuart
“The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian
“Men Are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrell
“The Invisible Bond” by Barbara Wilson
“1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” by Monica Leahy (this is fun to use on date nights and talk through together)

A Word of Caution to the Girls Like Me

This is for the girls with Incredible Fathers. I know it’s hard to imagine this blessing would require a word of caution, but bear with me…

DAD
My father has exemplified what it means to be a Christian man, husband, brother, son and father every day of my life. I have never seen him waver. The strength and conviction of his character inspires those around him to be better themselves.

I have watched him lead our immediate (and extended family at times) spiritually. I have seen him confidently assume leadership roles in church my whole life.

He is always smiling and laughing. His countenance affects joy in every person he encounters. You just feel better after being around my father.

His love is unconditional.

Even when I have done things to disappoint him. He loved me enough to discipline me when I was younger, but would always hold me in his arms while I cried afterwards. Still today when I miss the mark, he wraps me in his arms and tells me, “it’s ok,” he still loves me anyway.

My father has a servant’s heart and is a true gentleman. He is always the first to open a door, lift heavy things, fix any and everything for anyone, give someone a ride, deliver a meal, and sow money generously. I have seen him go out of his way at his inconvenience to help people in need, pray for and with people, visit people in the hospital, deliver communion to people who were shut in, minister to hurting souls and baptize those in need. He truly loves people with all his heart.

I have never had to look past my father for an example. And I pray that I can emulate his example to the people in my life.
life preach .jpg
My father has tried every day of my existence to show me the Love of our Heavenly Father. And he has succeeded, as much as humanly possible. It is so easy for me to read about the character of God and believe it because I have lived with a glimpse of it my whole life here on earth.

I would say I’m biased, but anyone who has ever met my father knows every word of this is true. I have had multiple people reach out to me to tell me what my father has done for them and meant to them.

I know his brothers are more of the same and I am so fortunate to call the Pennington men my family.

I am blessed beyond measure to call Donald my Daddy.

With such an incredible example and standard of what a “real man” should be in my life, sometimes it’s easy for me to expect too much from other men. I remember the times I shouted at my ex-husband for not doing something the way my father would, or doing something he would never.

I will never forget the advice my mom gave me once when I was comparing him to what a “real man” should be….. she sweetly reminded me that my father has had a lot more practice at being a great man. He spent his whole life becoming “mister perfect”; that he didn’t start out that way, and it’s not really fair to expect that from a newlywed husband.

(And what wisdom from a woman who spent her whole life covering any faults my father may have had from her children, guarding his reputation, so we always had the best perspective of our father! She knew you can’t follow someone you don’t respect.)

It was a lesson I didn’t take enough to heart at the time, but one I will never forget.

This is not about “settling” for someone, it’s about acknowledging that you are both flawed individuals who need grace. With my husband now, I try to live with much more patience and grace, and the sweet expectancy that one day my child will get to experience having a father like my own!

But this will ONLY happen if I continue to help draw that out of him by loving and respecting him unconditionally, just as he is, at every step of the way. Not by letting him know all the ways he doesn’t measure up to Donald.

A Couple Other Blogs You Should Check Out….

These ladies “get it”.

Meagan Newell
http://thegracefulattempt.tumblr.com/
A graceful space for lovers of Fashion, Faith, and Food

Mo Isom

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Things I Learned in 2009

Sometimes despite all your best efforts, cautions, standards and tenacity you just get hurt.

Sometimes you just have to let people go.

Sometimes you end up hurting those you love most.

Sometimes you just screw up and miss it all together. And in those times when you just don’t think you can get any lower or screw up any more… You find grace. And realize it’s all going to be ok.

Sometimes you just have to let people IN, despite how vulnerable that makes you feel. Because in the end they will end up helping you grow, making you a better person.

Sometimes you discover things about yourself you never knew. Some of those things you may not like. Others you may be pleasantly surprised by.

God always knows best.

He brings people and things into our lives right when we need them.

Sometimes making new friends is exactly what you need. Sometimes re-finding old best friends is the only thing you need. And when you do, it’s the best feeling in the world.

Sometimes your circumstances- usually the ones you don’t like – are absolutely no one’s fault but your own. And you just have to deal with them, learn from them, and avoid them again in the future.

Sometimes you just need to slow down take a deep breath and start over. Maybe even tomorrow.

Sometimes you just need to take a nap!

Disciplined is not something that you are, or you aren’t. It’s a daily battle, to be disciplined, and it is determined only by the decisions you make, and the actions you take.

The same is true for everything about you in life. You are not who you think you are, or who you believe you are, you are only the decisions you make, every day.

Which brings me to my next point – you can only lie to yourself so long.

The good news about that is, you can be someone completely different than you are today, just by making different decisions tomorrow. You can be exactly who you want to be.

Sometimes, that’s a relief, because you don’t like who you are today.

And if you do like who you are today, all you have to do is make those same quality decisions tomorrow.

Sometimes – no, all of the time – other people’s actions are completely out of your control. The sooner you realize that and let that go, the easier life becomes. Even if their actions and decisions hurt you in the meantime.

Because sometimes despite all your best efforts, cautions, standards and tenacity you just get hurt.

[January 1, 2010]