A Pressure-Cooked Reminder

It’s funny, in the last few weeks there have been so many things going on in our life – MAJOR life changes: my husband quit his job and now works from home, I started a professional speaking career outside my current job, my editor got back to me with all the changes I need to approve in my book, we bought a house….. It’s been overwhelming. I’ve been overwhelmed. Stressed to the max- I can feel it in my body (and so can my chiropractor!)

Naturally with all that going on, tension has run high in our home. My husband and I have been bickering and even arguing a lot, which is rare for us. And this only adds to the stress and exhaustion. I started to think, it’s been a while since we’ve really focused on working on our marriage, we’re coming up on 2 years, maybe we need to go to a refresher course or a retreat.

I was aware, in all the stress and busyness, my time reading and praying with the Lord has suffered as well. It’s been almost non-existent. I keep telling myself I’ll get back in my routine once things slow down. And then it hit me: I don’t need a refresher with my husband to ease the tension in my marriage right now (although there certainly is a time and place for that), what I need is a refresher with the Lord! I realized in my stress I let my focus shift to “what’s wrong with us” right now instead of “what’s wrong with me and how do I fix that?” I was looking to my husband to take all that stress and pressure off me, which is too big a task for his human ability.

Every time I sneak away for some time alone with my prayer journal, things seem less overwhelming and I let my husband off the hook.

quieter thinking talking and complaining have you prayed about it - crop

#56

Skydiving is was on my bucket list. It’s number 56, in fact. I kind of had it penciled in for this Summer, and then my best friend turned 40 and decided that’s what he wanted to do to celebrate. BINGO!

Weeks leading up to the event I was pure bottled excitement and eager anticipation.

My husband had a scheduling conflict arise so that he was not able to join us, and I remember having a strange little flutter of uneasiness. Am I going to be able to do this without him? Won’t I need him there? Then I reminded myself, I lived a pretty routine life for 25 years before I met him, eight of which included my best friend who I was going to be with, so I would be just fine.

As the day drew closer, I started to feel my excitement turn slightly to nervousness and the night before, I was progressively overcome by sheer, paralyzing terror.

I took a long shower to try and relax my nerves, but sitting on the floor in the steam the words of the mandatory safety waiver video played through my head on a haunting loop, “Skydiving is dangerous and can cause serious injury, or even DEATH. Nothing about skydiving is guaranteed. No parachute manufacturer is perfect, no parachute packer is perfect, no skydiving company is perfect, no instructor is perfect. Equipment can fail. Instructors can fail. Weather can cause unsafe conditions. Strong winds can cause a parachute to collapse….”

And then this thought went through my mind: Was I going to die the next day? Followed by: What if I did? How badly would my husband be crushed? Would he blame himself? How long would his life be derailed? Is this the last day I’m going to spend with him?

I got out of the shower and the words continued to avalanche. I distinctly remember as I smeared lotion on my legs thinking, what if something worse happens – like we crash and I am paralyzed? I just met a quadriplegic who’s walking her faith journey out with God, and feels closer to God now than she ever has. What if God allows that same thing to happen to me? What if God tries to teach me something through an injury? I like my legs. I like being able to use them. Is this the last time I’m going to be able to move them freely myself?

A movie reel played in my head as it zoomed out on this moment: a bird’s eye view of me lotioning my legs was the foreshadowing of what I didn’t know was coming the next day. It’s actually beautifully cinematic, I darkly narrated to myself. Should I just not go through with it to avoid even the possibility of disaster?

I should pray. But, is this something I am even allowed to pray about? Or am I not allowed to ask for protection for voluntarily jumping out of a plane – literally putting my own life at risk? Am I tempting fate? Tempting the prowling lion looking for lives to devour? Was I moving outside that hedge of supernatural covering I’d so clearly seen and felt protecting me?

I thought about all the things I knew I was created to do that were still undone, and wondered if I was risking letting Satan steal them?

I was almost sick to my stomach with all the thoughts swarming in my head.

I was terrified to say anything out loud, or at least wise enough to know what not to let come out of my mouth. I didn’t want to give life to any of these fears – as statistically improbable or irrational as they were. The seed had been planted and my enemy – the biggest liar in history – was having a field day with it!

I was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling when my husband walked in the room. I’m sure by my deflated body-language alone he could tell I was troubled by something.

“What’s wrong?”

I hesitated to answer. “I think I’m a little bit nervous about tomorrow.”

“Yeah? Are you scared?”

“No, I don’t think I’m scared, I’m just nervous I think.”

“Well, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to.”

A little defensively, “No, I want to go, I want to go skydiving. I’m going to go at some point in my life, so there’s no reason for it not to be tomorrow. I’m just nervous.”

And he said to me again, “I’m just saying, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to, you can back out. And it’s ok.”

My eyes lingered on his, trying to communicate what I was feeling without saying the words. All that came out was, “I don’t think that’s what I need you to say to me right now.”

“Oh.” He said. “What do you need me to say to you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to pray for you? Would that help?”

Knowing my friend, I said, “Well, I’m sure Keith will pray tomorrow before we all go up, but, yes, I think that would help.”

He grabbed my hand and began his prayer by thanking God for the day, and for our time together, for Keith and our friendship. He prayed over the rest of our plans for the weekend. For himself to get everything he needed out of the men’s retreat he was attending. He prayed that I would have fun the next day, that I would enjoy every moment and that I wouldn’t be nervous. And then, without a peep out of me, he literally started naming every single specific aspect of the jump the next day, eliminating each of those fears, one-by-one as if he was checking them off a list,

“And God, we ask that you watch over Rachel and Keith, and everyone else skydiving tomorrow. That the weather would be clear and perfect, that there would be no wind, that the plane would fly safely, that all the staff and instructors would be alert and focused, that all the equipment would perform as designed, that each harness and safety clip would function properly, and the parachute would deploy without issue, we ask for a safe landing….” Tears streamed down my face as I received his words and a peaceful calm settled over my spirit.

I thanked him for praying, and he hugged me for a long time.

“Feel better?”

“Yes! 100%!”

“Not nervous anymore?”

“Nope. Not one bit. I’m pumped!”

He left the room and then I started to think about how sly the devil can be, how he uses the most strategic offenses to wage the warfare where he knows he can win – in our minds. Not only was he was trying to stop me from living life. From experiencing something new and invigorating. From creating a lasting memory with some of my closest and most special friends. But, from living boldly and confidently.

I thought about how conniving he had been, how he had slowly watered and pruned those thoughts as soon as they had been planted in my mind from that video.

What if I had listened to him and not gone? What if I had let those thoughts overtake me and given life to those fears, given life to death, given it permission to come for me that next day?

The tongue is a “small part of the body” (James 3:5), yet Proverbs 18:21 says it “has the power of life and death.” This holds true whether we’re speaking of spiritual, physical, or emotional “life and death.”

And that’s when I got mad. How dare he?

I have already conquered this area of my life so many times and in so many ways. I have already learned to control my thoughts and mind my words. I mean, this is beginner faith stuff. I learned this a looooong time ago. There is a whole chapter on it in my book for crying out loud!! How dare he work his way back in there? Satan is not welcome in my mind.

You May Have To.jpg

And then I saw how easy it was, how quickly he worked back into that driver’s seat, darting my thoughts all over the place. How rapidly I spiraled down that dark, dangerous rabbit hole. And I was reminded again how vitally important it is to constantly be renewing and guarding my mind. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s an every day thing.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. (- Romans 12:2)

I felt like Vince Lombardi was standing in front of me, pigskin in hand, uttering, “This is a football.” The basics. The basics are the basics for a reason, in sports or faith or any other arena of life. They are building blocks, the foundation on which we build [the rest] upon. And if your foundation starts weakening, it won’t be long until your whole house crumbles.

Now am I saying it was God’s “will” for me to go skydiving? Maybe I am. I don’t know. But I do know it is NOT God’s will for me to live a life of fear and timidity, weak and limited, a life of mediocrity.

God has created and called each and every one of us to a life FULL of adventure, of taking new ground, of winning battles (even if they are just in our minds), and of doing it all for and with and because of Him. Because he has empowered us to do so.
And don’t you forget it. The next time those voices of fear and uncertainty start to creep in, silence them quickly before they paralyze your faith. Because if you don’t, you’ll miss out on awesome stuff like this:

Your Fickle Heart

If you spend your whole dating career making decisions based on “following your heart”, what are you going to do after you get married and you and your spouse go into a [temporary] funk (because it’s going to happen), and your “heart” tells you your in love with someone else?

Are you still going to follow your heart then? Does your heart supersede your vows? Then why bother even making them?

No. You’ve got to figure out how to base your decisions outside of something as fickle as your heart.

And trust me, you want to figure this out before you get married.

The New Guy

road of success.jpg

They recently moved my desk at my office. I’m only there for a few hours every couple weeks, so it’s not a huge deal, I’ve been moved several times. I’ve been put in the middle of administrative assistants, and customer service, and for a long time I sat with the marketing department.

argaret Lauren This time, they moved me right in the middle of the sales floor, so I sit right behind a [brand] new guy, who has just gone out on his own. I hear him making cold calls and it’s….well, rough, and it’s awkward, and I know he’s struggling…. I have to fill in the other side of the conversation in my mind, but, I know they are telling him no, blowing him off. But he keeps asking questions and he keeps dialing. I haven’t heard anyone make cold calls since I was in that position myself when I started at TQL 6 years ago.

Last time i was in, I leaned in close while I was walking by and whispered to him “You’re doing a great job, keep it up.”

Hearing him again today, I can hear the marginal improvement and the slight increase in confidence he’s gained (not saying i had anything to do with that), but he’s still getting his footing.

I don’t know if he’ll make it at TQL, but I do know he’s learning some great lessons for his discipline .png life right now, the most of which is to not take no for an answer, and not to give up. He’s learning perseverance and persistence, he’s learning to relate to people from all walks of life, from all parts of the country, different nationalities…. he’s learning that only he can motivate himself, no one else is going to do that for him, no matter what he decides to do.
By sticking with it and pushing through, he’s earning his own self-respect, which is the most valuable asset of all. Hearing his relentlessness warms my heart.

Good luck new guy! I hope you take everything you can from this experience and remember these phone calls for the rest of your life.

The List

When I was 16, some well-meaning mentors of mine recommended I make a list of the things I absolutely wanted in my husband, from physical attributes to character traits. Four typed pages and 160 bullet points later, I had what a “perfect spouse” looked like to me down on paper. Things like: 2-5 years older than me, 5’8” to 6’2” tall, dark and moderately-short styled hair, nice abs, no visible tattoos or piercings, strong Christian example & leader (or striving to become), passionate with a clear, concise dream/goal/calling, makes me laugh, takes me on picnics, notices & remembers “the little things”…. you get the point. Some valid, some negligible, some ridiculously adolescent.

The good that came from this exercise is it made it very easy for me to date, as soon as I would see something in someone that was a non-negotiable on my list, I would walk away from them before I got emotionally attached or invested.
They didn’t make it through the filter, I told myself.

The negative part of this exercise was that I trained myself to see the imperfections in every potential suitor I met, without considering my own short-comings. And to keep seeking a fallacy who didn’t exist.

“In the history of the universe, there has been only one perfect person. He remained single all his life and died young. The rest of us are imperfect creatures, deeply flawed, struggling to find our way through the complex maze of relationships and choices we encounter. We make mistakes, we learn and grow, we adapt and move on.” Dave & Lisa Frisbie begin their book, “Happily Remarried” with this poignant thought.

My husband and I chose to open our wedding ceremony with the same quote because it is such a paradigm shift on how to look for a marriage partner. When you begin with this foundational building block in mind – that we are all flawed – then you seek a spouse and maintain your relationship with an unprecedented level of grace. Knowing that no one is going to be perfect, when your partner misses the mark, it’s ok. It does not mean they are defect and you must now walk away, or if already married, live with the miserable knowledge that you chose the “wrong one”.

Author Stormie Omartian offers some additional advice on this, “I think if I could help a new wife in any area, it would be to discourage her from coming into her marriage with a big list of expectations and then being upset when her husband doesn’t live up to them. Of course there are some basics that should be agreed upon before the wedding date such as fidelity, financial support, honesty, kindness, basic decency, high moral standards, physical and emotional love and protection. When you don’t get those things, you can ask for them. When you still don’t get them, you can pray for them. But when it comes to specifics, you can’t require one person to meet all of your needs. The pressure to do that and fulfill your dreams at the same time can be overwhelming to a man.

If we try to control our husbands by having a big list for them to live up to and then are angry and disappointed when they can’t, we are the ones in error.”

In “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”, Les & Leslie Parrott quote a divorce attorney who once told them, the number-one reason two people split up is because they “refuse to admit they are married to a human being.”

“In every marriage, mutual hope gives way to mutual disillusionment the moment you realize your partner is not the perfect person you thought you married. But then again, he can’t be. No human being can fill our idealized dreams. A let down is inevitable,” the couple says.

The remedy for all of this is keeping the right expectations going in to marriage. But don’t take my word for it, I’m not the expert. I recommend delving further into the methods and advice these authors recommend in their books. You can never be too prepared for marriage.

To put the gravity of this in perspective, here’s the Introduction to “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”:

“In the 1930s, one out of seven marriages ended in divorce. In the 1960s, it was one out of four. Of the 2.4 million couples who will get married this year in the United States, it is predicted that at least 43 percent will not survive. For too many couples, marriage has become ‘till divorce do us part’.

Every couple marrying today is at risk. More than two-hundred thousand new marriages each year end prior to the couple’s second anniversary. After they toss the bouquet and return the tuxedos, couples often assume they’re headed for marital bliss. But a study of those who recently tied the knot revealed that 49 percent reported having serious marital problems. Half were already having doubts about whether their marriage would last.

The truth is, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. The $50-billion-a-year wedding industry can testify to that fact. ….More than one million copies of bridal magazines are sold each month, focusing mainly on wedding ceremonies, honeymoons, and home furnishings – but not on marriage itself.”

Here’s a more beneficial list for preparing yourself for marriage. The most helpful books I’ve read on the topic so far:

“Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” by Les & Leslie Parrott (there is also a 2nd marriage version)
“Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” by Gary Chapman
“Love & Respect” by Dr. Emmerson Eggrichs
“Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
“His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
“Captivating” by Stasi Eldridge (the men’s counterpart to this is “Wild at Heart”)
“Happily Remarried” by David & Lisa Frisbie
“Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage” by Kenneth Hagin
“Second Marriage” by Richard B, Stuart
“The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian
“Men Are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrell
“The Invisible Bond” by Barbara Wilson
“1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” by Monica Leahy (this is fun to use on date nights and talk through together)

I Am the Master of My Emotions

I have had this posted on my desk for years and is such a great reminder every time I see it.

I am the master of my Emotions

If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labor.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will remember past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.

Today I will be the master of my emotions!

– Scroll VI.

[Excerpt from Og Mandino’s “Greatest Salesman in the World”]

Resilience Defined

Someone once told me I was the most resilient person they’d ever met. After my divorce I set out to study that word and embrace it. I couldn’t find any definition that encompassed the full value of the word to me, so I wrote my own:

Resilience (Noun) – /rəˈzilyəns/
the ability to bounce back, return, or rebound after deterrence or defeat. Buoyancy.
To push through, unscaved and un-slighted, any circumstance or situation.
To proceed with resolute determination, giving no regard to attempted diversions,set-backs, let-downs, heartbreaks, poor judgements, unkept promises or disappointments.
To recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune.
The ability to spring back after initial plans or anticipations fall through.
To remain standing upright in the smoke-clearing of the battlefield.

A Word of Caution to the Girls Like Me

This is for the girls with Incredible Fathers. I know it’s hard to imagine this blessing would require a word of caution, but bear with me…

DAD
My father has exemplified what it means to be a Christian man, husband, brother, son and father every day of my life. I have never seen him waver. The strength and conviction of his character inspires those around him to be better themselves.

I have watched him lead our immediate (and extended family at times) spiritually. I have seen him confidently assume leadership roles in church my whole life.

He is always smiling and laughing. His countenance affects joy in every person he encounters. You just feel better after being around my father.

His love is unconditional.

Even when I have done things to disappoint him. He loved me enough to discipline me when I was younger, but would always hold me in his arms while I cried afterwards. Still today when I miss the mark, he wraps me in his arms and tells me, “it’s ok,” he still loves me anyway.

My father has a servant’s heart and is a true gentleman. He is always the first to open a door, lift heavy things, fix any and everything for anyone, give someone a ride, deliver a meal, and sow money generously. I have seen him go out of his way at his inconvenience to help people in need, pray for and with people, visit people in the hospital, deliver communion to people who were shut in, minister to hurting souls and baptize those in need. He truly loves people with all his heart.

I have never had to look past my father for an example. And I pray that I can emulate his example to the people in my life.
life preach .jpg
My father has tried every day of my existence to show me the Love of our Heavenly Father. And he has succeeded, as much as humanly possible. It is so easy for me to read about the character of God and believe it because I have lived with a glimpse of it my whole life here on earth.

I would say I’m biased, but anyone who has ever met my father knows every word of this is true. I have had multiple people reach out to me to tell me what my father has done for them and meant to them.

I know his brothers are more of the same and I am so fortunate to call the Pennington men my family.

I am blessed beyond measure to call Donald my Daddy.

With such an incredible example and standard of what a “real man” should be in my life, sometimes it’s easy for me to expect too much from other men. I remember the times I shouted at my ex-husband for not doing something the way my father would, or doing something he would never.

I will never forget the advice my mom gave me once when I was comparing him to what a “real man” should be….. she sweetly reminded me that my father has had a lot more practice at being a great man. He spent his whole life becoming “mister perfect”; that he didn’t start out that way, and it’s not really fair to expect that from a newlywed husband.

(And what wisdom from a woman who spent her whole life covering any faults my father may have had from her children, guarding his reputation, so we always had the best perspective of our father! She knew you can’t follow someone you don’t respect.)

It was a lesson I didn’t take enough to heart at the time, but one I will never forget.

This is not about “settling” for someone, it’s about acknowledging that you are both flawed individuals who need grace. With my husband now, I try to live with much more patience and grace, and the sweet expectancy that one day my child will get to experience having a father like my own!

But this will ONLY happen if I continue to help draw that out of him by loving and respecting him unconditionally, just as he is, at every step of the way. Not by letting him know all the ways he doesn’t measure up to Donald.

Surviving High School

Saw an article yesterday about a beautiful 16 year old girl who committed suicide over Christmas and I feel convicted to say this to my younger friends on here:

High school, like many things in this life, in this world, is temporary. greatest prison

Keep the big picture in your mind at all times. I know it’s difficult, but think more long-term than what is happening this week or this month. Be about bigger things in life. Build your name, your reputation, on things of character.

If you have really messed up and made a mistake, or made a fool of yourself – it’s ok, we’ve all been there. Apologize where necessary, forgive yourself and move on.

Popularity ends on graduation day. It doesn’t mean a damn thing in real life. Honestly. That is good news for some people and bad news for others. kindness

Be nice to everyone, always. Be the kid that includes everyone. One day, I promise, you’ll be glad you did.
Pay no mind to those who aren’t nice, except to pray for them. It’s their problem not yours. Their insecurities, their guilt, their anger and bitterness driving them to do what they do and say what they say.

Most importantly, ALWAYS remember, it’s hurting people that hurt other people. Those the mark of true maturity girls calling you names, or the boys making fun of your body are actually crying out for love, for acceptance. It’s not really about you at all. And one day (most of them) will realize that. The few who don’t, well, they never really leave high school, but that’s ok, because you will.

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you.” – Song of Solomon 4:7

forgive others peace

The Lost Year

time's up blog

Driving around running last minute holiday errands, my husband says to me, “Babe! 2014 was such a great year.”

“Yeah?” I was racking my brain to think of any significant milestones or events.

“Yeah. We got engaged, we got married…..”

“Nope. That all happened in 2013.” I replied.

“Ooohh. Then what happened in 2014?”

“Exactly.”

He paused for a minute while he tried to think of other things, “….Wow, I lost a whole year.”

Today, January 1st, 2015 is the first time I ever felt completely unprepared for a new year. I was not ready to write a 1- in the upper right hand corner of my page today. Everything in me screamed it was still 12- that I still had more time. I wasn’t ready to start carrying my new planner, because I felt I wasn’t done with the last one. With so much left undone and unaccomplished in 2014, I started to feel a little disheartened, especially with it being such a milestone year as I turned 30. And I realized, I never want to feel that way again.

Today, I resolved to never leave a year unfinished again.

After receiving that clear conviction, I felt my focus shift to what I was able to accomplish and see to fruition in 2014. I guess it wasn’t a completely lost year. Could we call it a year of transition?

In 2014 I:
Learned Discernment

For years I have been praying for discernment in hearing God’s voice, the promptings of the Holy Spirit. It took losing a friend on earth, and finding his voice afterwards that I learned how to tune myself into God’s voice in my mind. Now that I hear it loud and clear, I’m working on obedience. Every time.

Worked Camp

Working senior high church camp this Summer was an affirmation (that I needed) that I am good enough. That God can still use me. That I am wanted and accepted for His work.

I was blessed in meeting those kids and having the opportunity to minister to them, and influence their lives through social media even afterwards.

God showed me plainly that my story reaches beyond just other twentysomething divorcees. Which added fuel to the fire of my freshly renewed purpose.

Experienced Joy

I am only now realizing, as I type this, the irony of God having me focus on Joy for the majority of this year. That despite 2014 was a time I could have been more frustrated and impatient and disappointed than ever with our stagnation, He had me meditating and studying and developing true Joy in my life and in my spirit. So that I find myself deeply satisfied, always; despite our current circumstances, or station. I guess during that, He was also growing my patience.

I know God never gives you anything you can’t handle. That sometimes before our Promised Land, we have to spend a little time in the desert while He develops specific things in us.

Discernment, Worth & Purpose, Joy & Patience…. I’d say those are all pretty valuable things. And I didn’t realize I was lacking in any of them. So instead of Lost, let’s call 2014, The Desert Year.

The greatest victory of this year is that without even trying, I have already had other people take notice of these developments in me, and reach out to ask how they might develop them for themselves. Two people have already asked me to “mentor” them in their goals this year. The years when I was working so hard to prove what a leader I was, no one ever noticed.

God can do so many greater things in us than we ever can on our own. No matter how many books we read, or how many audios we listen to, while those are important, more important than that is simply letting go, listening, and allowing God’s Spirit work to in us to develop exactly what we need for Him to use.

And if that’s the only lesson I took away from 2014, I’d say it was a pretty good year after all.